After I had enough of the chaos I was creating for myself with Satan's help of making it worse. I realized that I could lean on Heavenly Father for understanding and help to feel at peace again.
After humbling myself to except His will for me, I was given a task, one of many I would come to find out to immerse myself in in order to be at peace with our current situation. I wanted to not feel such a huge burden of our needs for a house, car, beds etc... especially when there were no real solutions to any of those, sending me into sink hole after sink hole.
My first thought after asking for help to ease my burdens was that I probably would have to be better at doing the daily favorite primary answers; reading scriptures, praying, family home evenings etc... Which are a great place to start when feeling a lack of the spirit in your life. I understood I was not keeping up with that all as well as I had in the past I'll admit, but when I received my first task to accomplish by the Lord I was a bit confused at how different of a task it was entirely.
My first task was presented as "Cleaning House"
(This chapter will be directly linked to the literal concept of this phrase however I will use this phrase a few times. The next few chapters I post will be the figurative meaning. Both equally as important and each have remarkable lessons associated to them.)
Cleaning house. After receiving this task I had to ponder on what it meant. I felt that there were more meanings to it then the obvious, but the obvious one was where I would start. My house wasn't a dung heap, it was a usual daily dirty. Dirty dishes in the sink, laundry to be done, toys everywhere, unmade (makeshift) beds etc.. It was just lived in is all. It definitely wasn't in competition with something you would expect on the TV show "Hoarders, buried alive."
I figured what harm would it do to get ahead of the game and really focus on cleaning up the place so I could maintain it easier on a day to day basis not a "Saturday clean sweep" weekly project. It was nice to get everything picked up and kept up with. It helped get my mind off of some of the chaos in my brain. However the most significant thing I wanted to maintain with the cleanliness that I had started to realize was more present was the light and amazing spirit that was brought into the home. I always love how having a clean house makes you feel. It's almost freeing to have the burden of walking over minimal or large amounts of junk, off your shoulders. As an added measure to keep the spirit up I had the thought to put up some notes around the house to remind me of some encouraging words to keep my spirits up and motivated to become better, not only for me but for the boys as well.
After getting on top of all my chores, and creating a fun and helpful chore chart for the boys to join in on learning the importance of having those responsibilities, my focus was turned slightly in a different direction on what needed cleaning.
Deep cleaning and de-junking is an amazing way to feel even more clean, free and accomplished. I had all the motivation in the world to rummage through all my dark corners in my apartment and really focus on getting rid of stuff and organizing. Something I haven't really had a chance to focus on since our big move and all the small moves in between. I was surprised at all I still had packed or thrown in boxes I hadn't unearthed in a year or 2.
During my clean sweep I started coming to a quick understanding on why cleaning, organizing and de-junking was my first task. I had an entire pile of stuff that if I sold I could make some decent money off of. I had the immediate thought (I guarantee was not my own) that if I sold and saved up enough money, I could ease the largest need of having a house in some light by saving up for beds so we could make this apartment a more house-like and more comfortable home. The stability I was aching for I quickly realized didn't have to be just a house or beds or the everyday things people need but something that resembled them which was comfort. I started finding myself asking Heavenly Father to help me make this apartment feel more like a welcoming home no matter the structure type. I felt inspired to start by saving up for our beds. I figured that if I sold enough extra junk then I could try and focus on buying some cute, personalized bedspreads as well for the boys beds to make it feel like they have a high quality bedroom. Something I would decorate and personalize in our own house if we had one. I could at least bring that factor in if I worked hard, now that I was helped to recognize a solution. Just having the excitement of providing something of their very own for the boys, let alone for our own bedroom was motivation enough and digging did I go!
I was feeling better and better everyday! Selling everything I finally unearthed was exhausting to say the least but slowly I started saving up a bit of money. It was exhilarating and became a fun game for me to see how much I could make in one day! At one point I became very aware of another character flaw my past self struggled with. This time it was Heavenly Father reminding me so it came across much more up-lifting. I use to hold on to every single thing I thought may be important either from a memory I had involving the item, or assuming I may need/want it in the future. I was a borderline hoarder. I didn't have to ask a councilor if it was normal for someone who was traumatized the way I was to hold to stuff like I did. I knew it was a common thread. Convincing myself that things had feelings and by throwing them away or giving them up would hurt their feelings... No lie, it was debilitating. I always wanted to be free from that burden but never thought it possible. As I sat there mindlessly throwing things that I had memories to in the sell pile, not even blinking an eye on deliberating if I needed to keep it or not, I stopped for a minute while the Lord impressed on my mind how far I have come in yet another aspect of my life. I sat back for a minute to let its true amazement sink in. I was changing. I was blooming into an entirely different person, right in front of me was more hard evidence of that. A person my past self would only dream of ever becoming but actually laughing at the thought that that could never be me, given my circumstances... But there it was, in a large pile of stuff ready to sell. I saw a whole different girl spinning her own cocoon, willingly to work hard to completely change for the better. I was at that point extremely grateful for having the Lord help me recognize that and to have played such a huge role in helping me combat the clinginess to things. This whole experience of moving from Arizona has pushed me into having to sell things or just get rid of things. Desensitizing me to the way I perceived things. I would even declare it another categorized blessing in disguise. Things are things. They do not come with us into the eternities. How grateful I am to have learned that this early in life.
As the de-junking and selling continued, I did some research on cute beds with mattresses before I even considered looking at bedspreads. I realized quickly it may take awhile before I saved up enough money to afford our 3 beds. Even with all I had up for sale, it wouldn't make anywhere close to the amount of money I had calculated as a targeted goal to save up to afford the beds I had my eye on. I even kept my bed search to a certain price range allotment. Nothing too extravagant but also not ikea cheap that was bound to break within the following month knowing how my destructive boys treat furniture. Sturdy was a must, but it came with a higher price tag.
Before I was even aloud to think about getting down about it, potentially leading me into another sink hole, I was instantly given another task. This one took me by surprise. It was going to be hard and I was nervous and frankly unsettled about it. I knew, along with myself, a lot of people would not understand at all about a decision that I was asked to consider that was now at hand... The more I thought about it, the more I knew I had to come to my own conclusion about it since Heavenly Father provides agency to all. I still had a choice in the matter and that was comforting but the more I weighed my options, the more I came to an understanding that the decision I needed to make was going to leave alot of people speechless, or overly confident with sharing their biased opinion on the matter, when in the end it was something I was asked to do. I sat on the options for a long time, praying to know the right answer. I knew with a burning knowledge that I had to make the harder of decisions to gain such an amazing reward, and not just the immediate noticeable one.
After some amazing realizations and inspiration, I officially and confidently made up my mind. I jumped head first into the next task with all the faith in the world that it wouldn't backfire on me in any degree...