Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Chapter 4: Now you see it, now you don't....

After selling my camera, 95% of my photography gear and a whole butt load of junk dug out of the deepest parts of my apartment, I was amazed at just how much I had all together saved up. It was nearing the $2,000 range. I was excited that buying our beds would be happening in a matter of days!! I felt so great and proud of all the hard work and hard choices I made to get to that point over the last few weeks. It was either the exact same day or a day after I calculated all I had saved up when on that particular day, I kept receiving calls from debt consultants, Verizon, our Internet company and a few more all looking for upcoming or past due bills. I called Jason to see if this was a fluke thing and he said no, he didn't know why they were all calling me but alot more bills were due this next week including all of the regular bills. He said he was way stressed since he had no idea where he would get the extra money to pay the bills plus tithing he owed for the last paycheck he got but didn't have time to calculate and pay tithing on.... When he got home he calculated the outstanding bills and to my utter shock it was the EXACT amount TO THE DOLLAR as my saved up money... I tried REALLY hard to deny the coincidence. It only took me 2 days after that to realize it wasn't a coincidence at all. However I did NOT want to recognize the prompting I was feeling to pay those bills and tithing with the money I had earned. It wasn't happening. Nope! Move along, I am finally getting a bed to sleep on, and that was FINAL!!

 I knew better, and I knew that I knew better. It was another "humbling" moment, one I did not think I needed, considering the events of the last few weeks! I didn't want to pray to confirm the prompting. I didn't want the real answer. I prayed anyway but not all "cute" as I should when asking to clear my mind and give me peace. Asking if this was what the money was best used for or not. I was thinking/hoping maybe He will ignore my prayer all together since it was on the bad attitude side of things and who wants to answer one of those!? But, as hard as I tried, a prayer is a prayer and Heavenly Father answers all of them. I immediately felt at peace and knew with a surety that that money was meant for the bills. I felt uplifted knowing that I had peace around it and paid them without a second thought, but it was still a bit hard to swallow. 

That same day, as we paid all the bills in time, plus tithing, with the exact amount with my earned money. I was left with a handful of junk coins to my name.... 

Now, I know exactly what you might be thinking right about now... Either, Option A: "What the #%&$&*@!7& are you kidding me!?!!!?! All that hard work she was inspired to do to earn the money for the beds and now that was all down the drain!?! Abandoning her at ground zero all over again!?! Seriously!?! #%$&@!!! *cold shoulder to Heavenly Father*. 

Or option B: "wow! What a huge blessing to have been inspired to sell all that stuff and make the exact amount to pay off those bills so they could save their credit for potential future financial purposes. Heavenly Father is amazing!!!" 

I would be lying if I didn't say I had both of those feelings cycle through my head when the situation was at hand.... haha Yep, nothing like being transparent here. 

So, there I was, after hours and hours, days and weeks of hard work of cleaning and organizing every last inch of my apartment and selling all the junk I could find, sacrificing my beloved professional photography camera/ equipment and career, saving dollar after dollar and within a day's time it was all whittled down to a small handful of pennies that didn't even add up to .50c. Sadness was one of the many emotions that occasionally came about after looking at my now pathetically empty money jar. But for the most part, I felt truly blessed to have had the right amount of money to pay down all the bills but especially the debt collecting ones. Jason said that if I hadn't made that money then our credit (that was finally coming back up from the brutal beating it took when Christian was in the hospital and we had no insurance, Medicaid or income) would have been shot all over again. I felt uplifted and grateful that Heavenly Father was watching out for us, even that far ahead! We were so relieved. I felt a huge serge of power in my soul after making the hard decision to spend the money on bills. It felt like a huge "Thank You!" from Heavenly Father for following his promptings even though they were brutal and emotionally taxing. I felt amazing after the money was spent. Still some sadness since I was back at ground zero but I tried not thinking about it, only sinking back where I know I didn't want to be. 

It was literally only 2 days later. I get a knock at my door. I open it to find 2 very tall Tongan men standing all jolly saying they have a delivery for a Melissa Miller. They then proceed to bring in a brand new queen size, name brand pillow top mattress, brand new box spring, a brand new metal bed support and brand new sheets. I hadn't ordered any of it and didn't know of their existence until the night before they showed up when my friend had told me to be on the lookout. Someone she knew but who wanted to stay anonymous ordered us a brand new bed. I had only told this one friend of what I was saving up for when she asked if I could take her family pictures this spring and I had to explain my current photography situation and why. She then by total happenstance was in contact with me when I had paid the bills since she asked what was new, and that was currently the newest, pressing on my brain development and I just mentioned it to her.

While the bed was being brought into the apartment I was FLOORED. "How? Why? When? What? Who!? How?!? Really!?!?! Is this a joke? A dream? Wait What!?" My brain was going a mile a minute after the delivery men left. We were literally just given a brand new amazing bed..... I couldn't believe it. Stuff like this doesn't happen. I started crying because I was so thankful. Jason came home and had to take a step back when he first walked in. I mean we had an actual bed to sleep on and not some old rotten stranger stained used mattress. No this was a brand new, still in plastic bed to call our own that appeared out of nowhere with no money to its fund. I think it would shock anyone. Holy smokes!!!! 

We felt SO beyond blessed as we started setting it up. We were just so grateful to the anonymous person who was beyond selfless and bought us a bed and even thought to buy us sheets!! I wished I could hug her for hours! If she only knew what we had been through and just sacrificed and how much I loved her, even though I didn't know her, then I would feel somewhat closer to making it up to her!! 

That night was the BEST nights sleep we had both had in forever!!! I actually fell straight asleep without twisting and turning or waking up in the middle of the night twisting and turning trying to get comfortable. I woke up feeling like I actually got deep restorative sleep. Jason felt energized and rested as well, something he hadn't felt in a long time. Especially with his new crazy demanding work schedule, quality sleep was exactly what he needed most. 

I just knew Heavenly Father had his hand in this... How else could you explain this miracle?? He knew exactly the sacrifices we made and how hard I particularly struggled with making the hard decisions. But once I did, I knew he was proud of me and I full heartily believe that he inspired the anonymous lady, to have the desire to really really help someone in need, ready to pay in full whatever it was they needed. Then He made it possible for my friend to inadvertently know our current situation even though I had not told anyone else. He engineered it so perfectly so that my friend would be talking to her friend who she didn't know had a desire to help someone, and when my friend had mentioned my name and crazy circumstances, that's when it all came around full circle with the anonymous lady at a drop of a hat buy us a brand new bed without blinking an eye and get it delivered the same day. It boggles my mind at how amazingly perfect the Lord works and makes things work. He didn't leave me stranded at ground zero with only .50c, no he did much much more then that for us. He made it possible for me to be fully inspired to sell all I had, to save up enough money for a bed only to turn it around to pay off the threading bills, save our credit and still provide us with a brand new bed. It makes no sense?? but He made it happen! He is beyond amazing. I am speechless. Absolutely speechless.

We have had the bed a solid week and a half now and we get amazing sleep every night. We feel like brand new people! My poor, once achy, pregnant body actually feels alive and well again!! AMAZING!!! I know my Heavenly Father loves me. He loves me so much and will do anything to help us in our times of need, no matter the circumstances. I am beyond blessed to be his daughter. I am still just in complete shock over all this. The best part is, I still have 3 very valuable camera gear items and valuable junk items that, once sold, will most likely provide me enough money for the boys beds AND bed spreads..... My mind is blown. I have no idea how He pulled all that off. Heavenly Father IS perfect. 

He even provided enough money from the junk sale for me to afford the beginning step of my next task...


**And for those of you interested, I did in fact sign Christian up for kindergarten regardless of whatever crazy 6 year commitment I was told about. There is a French program at that school that is hard to get into and I assume they were relaying that the 6 year commitment was for that program which I was not interested in. So with that understanding I registered him without any more info given to the school about our current living situation... I feel SO much better now that he will be getting school!! He is SOOOO excited!! Now to hold him off until August... oh boy.... Wish me luck! 

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Chapter 3: Tunnel Vision

Have you ever had those moments provided you to see a glimpse of your futures potential? Its almost like being handed a kaleidoscope but instead of trying to make out what your seeing through unclear fragments, you see with pristine vision and knowledge of what lies ahead for you? Anyone? I like referring to them as tunnel vision, since you only get a peek at your potential but only through a long dark tunnel, closing you off from the knowledge of your long, unmarked journey on how you actually got there. I only get them on very special occasions. The first one that I can actually remember was around the time I got my patriarchal blessing. It had mentioned some elaborate details about my future husband and kids. That's when it happened. I saw Jason Miller, (my boyfriend at the time of the blessing) in a nice kitchen leaning over the counter and lovingly teasing his children as fathers often do. It was only a snapshot that lasted a second. Nowhere in my blessing did it explain that scenario but there it was. It was so powerful and so precise that I knew it was meant for me to see. It was Jason, my husband for many years at that point teasing our children in our kitchen. There was no denying it, that was tunnel vision.

I have had a few more fun tunnel vision scenarios pop up at times I now see as critical times when the Lord knew I needed them to keep me following the right bread crumb path he had laid out for me to attain my future he had planned. I have actually passed and experienced only one tunnel vision so far that I had received a year or so before the actual event happened. It was exactly the same as I had seen and felt the year prior. That's why I believe in them so strongly.  All the others have been too far in the future to compare them too. So I wait. 

(Side note: Heavenly Father reveals personal things in very distinct ways, personally altered for that particular individual. This is just one way he does for me.)

One of my favorite tunnel visions was the confirmation of my fasting and praying as I was trying to know if I should marry Jason. I can't even explain how amazing that particular tunnel vision was. It was a much more detailed one then I had ever been given before and for the first time in receiving them, it showed just a peek of our future in the eternities. Ill keep the cute details for myself with this one since I hold this one the most sacred.

These tunnel visions only happen once in a blue moon and I only mention their existence because as I was handed the new and much more emotionally draining task from Heavenly Father in continuing my new instruction manual. I was caught for a time in utter confusion on what I needed to actually do in order to accomplish the new task, all while struggling with the question "Why?" the decision even had to be made. Like other tunnel vision scenarios before, they came at the most critical time when I needed them the most to help me visualize what was to come and to motivate me to make the right steps in getting to that end point. I was so grateful to have been given one at this particular crossroad.

It was in Elder David A. Bednar's talk "Come and See" where I found something incredible. Jason had been bugging me for a week or so to read it since it was one he recently listened to and loved and knew that I would love as well. I wanted to read it but for the life of me could never remember what the title name was when I actually found the time to sit down to read. Finally after a week or so of asking me if I ever read it, and him receiving the same pathetic answer, he finally pulled it up on his phone as we were laying in bed one night. As I sat there listening to the audio recording of the talk, something hit me strong. A story Bednar was telling, about his 2 young sons at the time who were both playing out in the yard. The younger of the brothers got scratched and was crying. The older brother took immediate action to making his wound feel better. He ran his younger brother inside, pulled a chair up to the medical supply cabinet and started cleaning the wound and dressing it with far too much ointment and plenty of bandages to spare. Once the scratch was cleaned and taken care of, Elder Bednar and his wife (who were observing from a distance to see if the boys had learned all they had been taught about brotherly kindness), noticed something peculiar. Once the younger boy got down from the counter, he took the remaining ointment and band aids outside to his friends and started addressing their wound free arms. Bednar continues the talk with how, as members of this church, we want to share with everyone the healing power we experience in our lives with the atonement and living the gospel to its fullest. Much like the ointment and band aids the little boy had dressed on his wound, making it feel better and soon be able to heal, the atonement acts as the same treatment but to much larger, spiritual wounds. This story struck me hard, not only because I can relate to having two young boys, who given a chance would make a mess in the kitchen with all kinds of ointment and ninja turtle band aids, whether addressing a wound or not, but that the story taught me something I had missed altogether about how the atonement can cleanse all in any situation they may face in their life. It was then I realized something amazing. I know it was blatantly obvious to most but to me it was not. I realized during the talk that the atonement wasn't there for just sinners but for those that had been destroyed due to others sins. It was the biggest *DUH* moment for me but the most spiritually uplifting one. I realized then that Heavenly Father was giving me more then what I was allowing myself to live with. My eyes were being opened to a whole new level of how big my bloom actually would be...

I then knew what the whole purpose of the instruction manual was actually for! It was huge! A whole lot bigger then I thought it was meant for in providing me the comparatively small peace I was looking for to escape the chaos I had rumbling around in my soul weeks prior. Little did I know what was actually brewing in Heavenly Fathers plans for me. It was intended for a personally scripted, easily understandable and accomplish-able instruction manual to the Atonement. The Atonement! Of all things I could have guessed it was being written for, the huge bomb of the Atonement was unfortunately not in my line of sight as possibilities!! But there it was, the actual reason for the manuals existence! A whole lot more chaos was raging in my soul that had planted itself there for a much longer time, with much deeper, damaging roots and he was going to attack THAT turmoil then the measly stuff about a house, car, beds etc... Pssh! Thats nothing. I can't even tell you how excited I was to know that I was about to embark on a HUGE journey of not only coming to a full understanding of the Atonement and how it really works, but to apply it fully to my life. All the horrifying things I went through in my life and all the trauma and toxic side effects it all caused in my life (PTSD, trichotrillomania, extreme panic attacks, anger, self doubt, self hate, self destruction, heavy and powerful memories that drag me down when they resurface on the occasion and many more) ALL will be made clean. Becoming uprooted and burned for the first time since they started to root into my daily routine around the age of 7. I never thought anything in the world could be powerful enough to even put a bandage on top of any of the side effects, let alone clear them out entirely. But in that small story of the 2 young brothers I started to come to a realization that there was one thing that WAS that powerful and so much more.

It talks about how the atonement will be a part of my life in my patriarchal blessing. The only problem I kept running into when reading my blessing from time to time was that I was not making gigantic mistakes in my life (something I thought the full potential of the atonement was strictly for... don't judge). For the most part (with the exception of small, everyday stupid "im human" sins I had under my belt). I really didn't have any gigantic, blaring siren sins that I needed the full power of the atonement for, to change my life around for the better. I really was only utilizing the basics and going through the motions of it for basic sins that everyone makes. I felt lost as to how the atonement would make such a huge impact on my life if I wasn't making a huge impact to use its full capacity. I freaked myself out thinking that my future held a dark secret that I would do something so horribly wrong that then I would need the full atonement for.... I really freaked out actually. haha

It was around the same time of me pondering the amazing "new to me" information about the atonement that a short but sweet tunnel vision came about. It was me, doing everyday things, playing with the kids, cleaning the house, talking with Jason etc... But there was something different about me. Something much lighter about my aura. I seemed free and un-burdened. I realized I was living life in full capacity of the happiness and peace that the atonement provided me because I choose to use it fully in healing all the hurt and trauma I had once carried. In the tunnel vision, I noticed that I had long healthy eyelashes and actual eyebrows with no picked out spots which meant my trichotillomania was healed, something that literally is nearly impossible to do. I could feel that my PTSD was healed and there no longer was any internal turmoil constantly raging in my soul. I was in full functioning order providing a happy fulfilling life for not only myself, but for my kids and husband. No longer was I dragging around a couple of gigantic, heavy ball and chains that were welded to my ankles for the nearly 20+ years I had carried them for prior. Those had vanished and I was free. 

I had successfully utilized all that I had learned from my instruction manual like it was second nature to me. It was an amazing thing to see and feel. Once the tunnel vision faded I heard a small voice tell me that there was a reason I needed to consider a very hard decision I was asked to consider before the talk or vision were given to me. I was told that there was a way for me to actually become that Melissa I saw and have always longed for. It would require a huge sacrifice however since in order to fully focus on the pristine process I had laid out in front of me, I needed to rid my life of all outside source distractions. I felt that if I had any distractions at all (outside of my small family dynamic of course), then my mind would not have full capacity to really allow all the teachings that would come to fully sink in and be able to plant its self in my life and grow. Outside distractions would cause damage if I continued in them and I had no room for damage. With that new guided and comforting instruction I knew fully that the newest task I had been struggling with had its final answer. I needed to let my passion for photography go completely. 

I knew why I was being asked to let it go. It was the one big distraction I had in my life since my business was now state recognized in 2 different states. This meant my clientele had my schedule packed full of sessions. Even putting a limit on the amount of sessions I accept a month was going to take me away from the most important lesson I had waiting for me. After I was asked to give up photography, I really didn't know what to think. Part of me was OK with it since I could just pick it back up again if I needed/wanted but the other part of me cried a lot. I love photography. I love the way I see the worlds natural beauty when scouting for new locations. I love the people I meet, the lives I change and the amazing spirit I capture with each new family or wedding picture. I love the constant learning curve it provides making it never get boring. I loved that my talent was being recognized and loved by many. I couldn't just drop it all, could I? It was then I realized that the art behind the photography was not fully the distraction He was referring to, it was the stresses I get bogged down with of the "behind the scenes" quirks all photographers have to deal with. The client's specific requests, complaints, and occasionally unrealistic expectations on how we function or should make our edits look. Those and many more stersses would weigh me down again if I ever got back into photography in the future. I understood that the scariest most permanent decision in this newest request was then being asked. I was feeling that I needed to sell all of my photography gear... My beloved camera and all off camera lighting equipment... I sat on that one for the longest time, going back and forth on if I could actually follow through with it. Selling everything would clearly make it all permanent and very very real. What would I tell my devoted clients? It was all terrifying. But after hearing and being inspired by the talk and seeing the amazing tunnel vision, I knew what I needed/wanted to do. My mind was made up and I was taking action.

I figured the real test was if Heavenly Father would actually sell my camera this time without Breaking it!!! haha I smirked very sarcastically and said out loud in my living room after my final decision was made and I had already posted my camera for sale. I said to Heavenly Father mostly jokingly, "If you break my camera again after getting a buyer, so help me I will never post it ever again no matter what I'm asked! You prove to me this is suppose to happen by selling my camera ASAP with NO malfunctions, then I will be convinced and happy to post everything else." ha!. I sold the camera in a matter of days with no glitches, absolutely problem free and very close to my asking price. I got his point loud and clear after that and followed through with my end of the deal and posted all of the equipment. Every thing sold in a matter of a week or so (except 3 items but I believe the income from those sales will be needed later so they are on standby for now). 

After my camera sold, ill admit I cried. It was a mixed emotions cry. I was sad to see it go along with my talent but I was happy to start and really commit to the power of the atonement I know will have in my life. It's something I have wanted far longer and with greater desire then a camera and photography talent. I was never left without comfort. 

There was no question in my mind as to why, after feeling so right about selling all that junk to afford the beds would I actually come up short. Allowing Heavenly Father to blaze a path to my next task. The immediately obvious blessing in selling my camera gear was the dollar amount I could put towards the beds. But the intended blessing went far deeper then that. The real blessing behind selling it was the degree of healing and blooming I would be given because of the sacrifice. Who wouldn't be ecstatic for that promise!?

Monday, March 2, 2015

Chapter 2: Cleaning house part 1.

After I had enough of the chaos I was creating for myself with Satan's help of making it worse. I realized that I could lean on Heavenly Father for understanding and help to feel at peace again.

After humbling myself to except His will for me, I was given a task, one of many I would come to find out to immerse myself in in order to be at peace with our current situation. I wanted to not feel such a huge burden of our needs for a house, car, beds etc... especially when there were no real solutions to any of those, sending me into sink hole after sink hole. 

My first thought after asking for help to ease my burdens was that I probably would have to be better at doing the daily favorite primary answers; reading scriptures, praying, family home evenings etc... Which are a great place to start when feeling a lack of the spirit in your life. I understood I was not keeping up with that all as well as I had in the past I'll admit, but when I received my first task to accomplish by the Lord I was a bit confused at how different of a task it was entirely. 

My first task was presented as "Cleaning House" 

(This chapter will be directly linked to the literal concept of this phrase however I will use this phrase a few times. The next few chapters I post will be the figurative meaning. Both equally as important and each have remarkable lessons associated to them.)

Cleaning house. After receiving this task I had to ponder on what it meant. I felt that there were more meanings to it then the obvious, but the obvious one was where I would start. My house wasn't a dung heap, it was a usual daily dirty. Dirty dishes in the sink, laundry to be done, toys everywhere, unmade (makeshift) beds etc.. It was just lived in is all. It definitely wasn't in competition with something you would expect on the TV show "Hoarders, buried alive."

I figured what harm would it do to get ahead of the game and really focus on cleaning up the place so I could maintain it easier on a day to day basis not a "Saturday clean sweep" weekly project. It was nice to get everything picked up and kept up with. It helped get my mind off of some of the chaos in my brain. However the most significant thing I wanted to maintain with the cleanliness that I had started to realize was more present was the light and amazing spirit that was brought into the home. I always love how having a clean house makes you feel. It's almost freeing to have the burden of walking over minimal or large amounts of junk, off your shoulders. As an added measure to keep the spirit up I had the thought to put up some notes around the house to remind me of some encouraging words to keep my spirits up and motivated to become better, not only for me but for the boys as well.

After getting on top of all my chores, and creating a fun and helpful chore chart for the boys to join in on learning the importance of having those responsibilities, my focus was turned slightly in a different direction on what needed cleaning. 

Deep cleaning and de-junking is an amazing way to feel even more clean, free and accomplished. I had all the motivation in the world to rummage through all my dark corners in my apartment and really focus on getting rid of stuff and organizing. Something I haven't really had a chance to focus on since our big move and all the small moves in between. I was surprised at all I still had packed or thrown in boxes I hadn't unearthed in a year or 2. 

During my clean sweep I started coming to a quick understanding on why cleaning, organizing and de-junking was my first task. I had an entire pile of stuff that if I sold I could make some decent money off of. I had the immediate thought (I guarantee was not my own) that if I sold and saved up enough money, I could ease the largest need of having a house in some light by saving up for beds so we could make this apartment a more house-like and more comfortable home. The stability I was aching for I quickly realized didn't have to be just a house or beds or the everyday things people need but something that resembled them which was comfort. I started finding myself asking Heavenly Father to help me make this apartment feel more like a welcoming home no matter the structure type. I felt inspired to start by saving up for our beds. I figured that if I sold enough extra junk then I could try and focus on buying some cute, personalized bedspreads as well for the boys beds to make it feel like they have a high quality bedroom. Something I would decorate and personalize in our own house if we had one. I could at least bring that factor in if I worked hard, now that I was helped to recognize a solution. Just having the excitement of providing something of their very own for the boys, let alone for our own bedroom was motivation enough and digging did I go! 

I was feeling better and better everyday! Selling everything I finally unearthed was exhausting to say the least but slowly I started saving up a bit of money. It was exhilarating and became a fun game for me to see how much I could make in one day! At one point I became very aware of another character flaw my past self struggled with. This time it was Heavenly Father reminding me so it came across much more up-lifting. I use to hold on to every single thing I thought may be important either from a memory I had involving the item, or assuming I may need/want it in the future. I was a borderline hoarder. I didn't have to ask a councilor if it was normal for someone who was traumatized the way I was to hold to stuff like I did. I knew it was a common thread. Convincing myself that things had feelings and by throwing them away or giving them up would hurt their feelings... No lie, it was debilitating. I always wanted to be free from that burden but never thought it possible. As I sat there mindlessly throwing things that I had memories to in the sell pile, not even blinking an eye on deliberating if I needed to keep it or not, I stopped for a minute while the Lord impressed on my mind how far I have come in yet another aspect of my life. I sat back for a minute to let its true amazement sink in. I was changing. I was blooming into an entirely different person, right in front of me was more hard evidence of that. A person my past self would only dream of ever becoming but actually laughing at the thought that that could never be me, given my circumstances... But there it was, in a large pile of stuff ready to sell. I saw a whole different girl spinning her own cocoon, willingly to work hard to completely change for the better. I was at that point extremely grateful for having the Lord help me recognize that and to have played such a huge role in helping me combat the clinginess to things. This whole experience of moving from Arizona has pushed me into having to sell things or just get rid of things. Desensitizing me to the way I perceived things. I would even declare it another categorized blessing in disguise. Things are things. They do not come with us into the eternities. How grateful I am to have learned that this early in life.

As the de-junking and selling continued, I did some research on cute beds with mattresses before I even considered looking at bedspreads. I realized quickly it may take awhile before I saved up enough money to afford our 3 beds. Even with all I had up for sale, it wouldn't make anywhere close to the amount of money I had calculated as a targeted goal to save up to afford the beds I had my eye on. I even kept my bed search to a certain price range allotment. Nothing too extravagant but also not ikea cheap that was bound to break within the following month knowing how my destructive boys treat furniture. Sturdy was a must, but it came with a higher price tag. 

Before I was even aloud to think about getting down about it, potentially leading me into another sink hole, I was instantly given another task. This one took me by surprise. It was going to be hard and I was nervous and frankly unsettled about it. I knew, along with myself, a lot of people would not understand at all about a decision that I was asked to consider that was now at hand... The more I thought about it, the more I knew I had to come to my own conclusion about it since Heavenly Father provides agency to all. I still had a choice in the matter and that was comforting but the more I weighed my options, the more I came to an understanding that the decision I needed to make was going to leave alot of people speechless, or overly confident with sharing their biased opinion on the matter, when in the end it was something I was asked to do. I sat on the options for a long time, praying to know the right answer. I knew with a burning knowledge that I had to make the harder of decisions to gain such an amazing reward, and not just the immediate noticeable one. 

After some amazing realizations and inspiration, I officially and confidently made up my mind. I jumped head first into the next task with all the faith in the world that it wouldn't backfire on me in any degree...