Sunday, December 14, 2014

Tender moment

I love old men... They just rock. They are just so open to say what they are thinking and don't care if what they say is awkward or taken wrong. They don't care if anyone judges them for it. If they feel the need to say it, they do because they are way past the stupid age of "everything has to look and be just right so people will love me". Nah forget all that rubbish, be real and act how you are being prompted to act, forget your dumb "fake perfection" masks at home, better yet, in the garbage. I live by what I now call O.P.L "Old People Logic" they know what's up! Lol last night was another awesome example of their care free attitudes. I was wandering the isles at Walmart last night looking for chocolate oranges that I could literally taste since my craving was so bad!! I thought they would be an easy find considering they come around Christmas time. I was apparently wrong. They were nowhere in sight. I was already clocked out emotionally for the night since I had just experienced another "feel like the scum of the earth" situation and I just NEEDED the dang chocolate orange to make me feel somewhat better. But to no avail. I wanted to cry... But I had already done that before walking into the store so I held it in. I was purposely avoiding mirrors yesterday as to not get reminded what my PTSD did to my face. I looked like a cancer patient and only put a small uneven line of eyeliner on my eyes to somewhat fill in all that my trichotillomania had taken from me and to avoid scaring the life out of women and children who happened upon my naked face. I should be use to the stares and unaltered disgust reactions I get from people, but they still just kick you in the gut. Lets also not forget all of my fresh new Pregnant zits and freckles I was too lazy to cover up... I was making my way across the store to look in another Christmas candy isle I forgot about when an old man and his daughter started to cross infront of me. I started slowing down to allow them to pass. I must have looked realllllly miserable because the next thing I hear was "Hello beautiful!" The old man had stopped to let me pass instead and instead of letting me pass as horrible as I must have looked, he granted me a gift to pass with a fresh new smile on my face. I didn't realize he was talking to me at first, but naturally looked up to see where the voice was coming from. I thought he was talking to his teenage daughter, but once I looked at him I realized he was looking directly at me. I felt my spirit lift as I realized he was genuinely calling me beautiful and not in an old-creepy-man-pervert kind of way. I think he recognized that I was just not feeling so happy and he decided to say hello to me how I believe Heavenly Father would have if he had crossed my path that night. Seeing my true beauty and amplifying it, instead of reacting to what was being shown on the outside. As I smiled at him he asked me how I was doing. I wanted to just say "I'm great" but I knew that wasn't the truth. I settled on "I'm miserable..." I regretted saying it the moment it came out of my mouth since it was so heavy to plop on a complete stranger who had no time to talk it through with me like a friend would. But out it came. He stopped and said "I am so sorry to hear that honey, I hope you have a better night." And with one more bright smile he left. I continued my hunt but this time with a smile on my face and a small tear in my eye. That small encounter didn't fix anything but it sure did lift my spirits a bit more. I felt lifted a small bit from feeling like a bottom feeder in this world, something I was feeling particularly strongly last night. I was grateful to feel, that even though he can't be here physically, Heavenly Father uses others as instruments to help us feel his love. I just knew Heavenly Father knew what I was going through and how low I had just felt the store before Walmart. I was thankful for that sweet encounter.

And just for the record, smiths (az compare to Safeway) is the place to go for those dang chocolate oranges! Ran over there after Walmart and they had an entire isle stocked with them! They made my night even better!