Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Never would I...

Never would I have imagined how much more humble I had to become when following the instructions of the Lord. I always tried not being prideful for the life I was given after getting married to my hard working man. But I guess I had some more humbling to go. Moving out here to Utah after receiving that instruction has been the most exciting, terrifying, humbling, freeing, hardest thing I have ever done after receiving inspiration. I thought I had gone though the hard part of my infamous "Paradigm shift" I was warned about in my patriarchal blessing. But even in the most desperate of times I have looked back and seen exactly how my life is becoming a paradigm shift but for the absolute better. Everything in my life is different now then where it was a year ago.

 Never would I have imagined how jealous I could get of people who have a dresser in the background of a picture they posted on Facebook because I had no furniture. Or of people that post pictures of their car, house, newborn baby, freshly painted bedroom, or the clothes they just bought or their time at the gym. Never would I have imagined the anger I would feel when I go to my fridge to make myself a healthy snack, trying to loose weight, only to find that everything healthy is extremely expensive and I don't own any of it. I have to turn to cheap mac and cheese and put my health on hold.  Never would I have imagined the pain I feel now when I let my pride slip and blame God for getting me into this mess. I use to blame God for a lot of stuff before my misscarriage and I wouldn't feel the pain I do now, or at least not as strong or often. I realized that being comfortable like I use to be did not allow me to be humbled to the core and seeing all the blessings I receive in a day. One blessing being that I now count my MANY blessings!! I count finding an awesome sectional couch on KSL for free a blessing because buying a couch right now or any furniture for that matter is out of the question. I count the fact that we have an amazing younger ward a blessing, because we never lived in a ward with so many couples as young as us with the same aged kids! I see finding a dollar or $5 for that matter a huge blessing because now we can buy some filtered water. I see blessings in ordinary everyday things that I use to take for granted because I never went without as we do now. The lady that is in the apartment above us is letting us use her internet for free because we helped her move in and she learned of our situation. Having internet is something we always had and after living without it for many months, having it again (even if it is horrible lol) is a huge blessing. My oldest was taken to the hospital in an ambulance a couple weeks ago. At the time I couldn't see any blessings in that since we don't have any kind of insurance to help us pay for the week we lived there, or the multiple medications he was on as well as the surgery he had. But the little blessings that came throughout the entire visit helped us through it all. There were too many to count. The main blessing we witnessed while there was when we realized that the hospital we were at was a nonprofit hospital who helps pay the bills for people like us in similar situations with donation money that comes in yearly. We have yet to receive all the bills but I have faith that Heavenly Father will provide a way to allow us the help the hospital offers. Even if the hospital does not help, I have faith that he will make a way for us to pay them off completely. We were not sent here to Utah to fail. Failing is out of the question.

Along the entire way of this crazy journey we are on, Jason and I have realized just how carried over we are with little miracles that Heavenly Father sends us. We are living one day at a time with no real knowledge of how the next day will look for us financially and emotionally, since we are extremely strained. The most amazing thing about this experience is that every single day we are blessed with just enough money and faith to carry us over until the next day. One example just happened, Jason and I had discussed how we would be having a boring Valentines day this year with no gifts or a date night since we couldn't afford anything. We were a bit bummed but we talked through it and moved on (why dwell on something you can't control or change?). Valentine's day morning came and Jason went and got the mail. He opened what he thought was another bill from my hospital in Arizona where I had many procedures done during my miscarriage due to the complications I was having. As he opened the bill we had an amazing surprise waiting for us inside. Instead of a bill asking us for more money we didn't have, in its place was a check in our names from the hospital for $62. We were shocked and confused?.. We read the note that came with it and it said that we had over paid our bills by $62 and they would like to reimburse us. That small blessing (HUGE to us) provided us with the gas we needed in our car to get Jason to job interviews, as well as dinner and dessert for us both as a valentines date! It was just enough to carry us over to the next day and provided us the small amount of faith to keep us going. These little blessings appear on a daily basis and when I start getting frustrated or jealous of someone who is settled and appears to have a better life then me in the worldly possession category, I make myself realize that I am where I am suppose to be, meeting the people I am suppose to be meeting, otherwise I wouldn't be getting so blessed as I am. If I did not move to Utah I would still be in my comfortable home we owned with 2 working cars and no worries about not having money for the small things. But we would have been stuck. Not getting molded into the people that we are suppose to be made into. We are meant to be going through the refiners fire, not because the Lord is mad at us but because he knows we can handle it and he knows exactly who we will become because of it. I know Heavenly Father has something great in store for us. I know that the worldly things will come but Jason and I are learning a very remarkable lesson, that we can be perfectly happy with nothing but our little family and faith. Happiness is not measured by our possessions but by the way we love our Heavenly father and put our faith in him. If we do that, life is fulfilled to its fullest. I believe this fully.

I read the quote above just today and it fit perfectly to the lesson we are learning right now! I truly love the meaning behind it and will strive to live by it with the best of my abilities.

I just wanted to express the absolute gratitude I have for trials. Its because of trials that humble us, do we find how strong we are both physically and spiritually. Before this journey I'm on, my faith in Heavenly Father was eroded. I thought I had great faith in him because I just knew he was there, but after these 7 1/2 months I am now humbled enough to say that I was in fact blinded to the true love my Heavenly Father has for me and the faith I now fully put into him. He has shown me many miracles that have changed my life. Just knowing he was there was lazy for me. Seeking him and trusting him fully even when things are a complete mess, that in my book is what defines Faith.

Breaking news!!!!: NO lie these blessings literally just happened... while I sit here writing this blog post my husband brings in a big package that came in the mail. An amazing friend of mine sent us a package that is full of treats and food for us! What an amazing surprise!!! Andie I love you to death thank you! Gosh you rock my socks!

Second blessing just happened, our dog Dima (Dee-ma) who we love to death but can't afford to live in the apartment with us, has just been adopted to an amazing family!! She just left with them and I am so relieved! I cried my eyes out I won't lie, but I had prayed so hard for a great family that would take really good care of her and send me updates, and that is exactly who they are! Huge blessing right there! I am truly watched over.
The third blessing and I believe the biggest one yet, literally just happened!! My husband went into a job interview this morning and he just walked in and told me that HE GOT THE JOB!!!! Holy cow!! See? Blessings in the making people... We are blessed beyond belief!!! I am in shock right now, seriously! This is wild! Jason keeps jumping around so excited! The boys are now all excited to, dancing around with daddy although they have no idea why daddy is so happy! haha! The pay is under half then we are use to but the blessing is that we don't care! We are just so happy to have a job! I am so glad we can be so truly happy for such little pay! I just love seeing the good in every hard trial. The best part of the job is that it is walking distance from our apartment so we get to save a butt load of money a month on gas and for me to be able to have a car during the day! Things are being put into place and we cannot get any more happy then we are right now!

Here is a thankful list I have of only some of the things the Lord is giving us right now: Our house is rented out and getting paid for in Arizona, my pup has a loving new home and we save $35+ a month!, Jason has a job that is very family oriented and walking distance from our apartment, I am making a ton of new friends, my photography business White Fire Photography is becoming recognized in Utah now and I have 2 weddings and 2 family shoots coming up, which means I can make some money on the side to help pay off credit cards and bills! I have furniture now thanks to my amazing friend Ashlee who took me DI shopping and paid for it all! Love you to death chicka!, the fact that I now have my own place to call home is a blessing in and of itself! No more run down motels or rental houses that have to be fixed up by our hard work only to not be appreciated fully by creepy, control seeking men that own them. Boo ya. All this and many more blessings! We are being taken good care of!

Wow... just wow. Heavenly Father is Amazing.

We are still in a very strained situation and it is not easy by any means, but honestly taking it day by day makes you truly grateful for everything, even if its just a dollar bill or a head of lettuce. Being humbled to the core, even if you didn't think you needed it, makes you see the world in such a better blessed state for everything we do have or receive compared to the greedy one that people live in with all the wants the world can offer. Wanting more and more when you already have so much seems like a trap that is very hard to get out of to me. When we get back onto our feet, I have made the promise to myself and the Lord that if I ever come across people in my future that are going through exactly what we have been through or any other hard trial they are in, with the Lords guidance I will 100% be the first to assist with anything they need and can't afford. I would buy them new furniture if they needed it or food every week, honestly I would. I am so blessed to have felt so "low" in this world as I do because now Heavenly Father knows that I have had a taste of the bitter cup that people in my same situation are experiencing, and I would know how it feels and how amazing it is to have people assist you along the way. Being so "low" has also made me realize who my true friends are. That is a prize that is priceless in this world that I am afraid is overlooked due to all the status quo this world is obsessed with. I would do it all again to feel the amazing power of true friendship. Helping those realize that living day by day is not so bad, but really a raw chance to see the good in everything. As strange as this sounds (because I am in need of a lot), I now see everything I receive a blessing, and I am content. We are watched over and loved. We are happy and that is all that really matters in this life. My faith grows daily and it is a huge miracle to be experiencing. I am blessed to be struggling.

  • Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
      Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
    Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
      Call for songs of loudest praise.
    Jesus sought me when a stranger,
      Wand’ring from the face of God;
    He, to save my soul from danger,
      Interposed His precious blood.
  • O to grace how great a debtor
      Daily I’m constrained to be!
    Let that grace, Lord, like a fetter,
      Bind my wand’ring heart to Thee.
    Teach me, Lord, some rapturous measure,
      Meet for me Thy grace to prove,
    While I sing the countless treasure
      Of my God’s unchanging love.
  • Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it;
      Prone to leave the God I love:
    Take my heart, oh, take and seal it
      With Thy Spirit from above.
    Rescued thus from sin and danger,
      Purchased by the Savior’s blood,
    May I walk on earth a stranger,
      As a son and heir of God.

  • These lyrics are very sentimental to me now, I see myself singing this because I use to be a wondering heart that was saved by Gods love.

    ***On a side note, I am reading the book of mormon the entire way through by myself (yes for the first time, don't judge) and if you haven't already or keep putting it off, Please try and make it a priority in your life because I am only in 2nd Nephi and I already am grateful for the example that Nephi is to me in my life. Laman and Lemuel are the examples that I do not want to be after witnessing such amazing things throughout my life and murmuring about them. It is a good reminder to keep myself in check since it could be very easy for me to complain that I don't have enough. I already have a testimony of the book of mormon and I love it. I always wanted a testimony of it. I crave to read it when I miss a day or two, even sometimes right after I read a chapter or 3, I still have a desire to read and keep reading all the amazing things it has for me. I encourage you to start or at lease try. It is truly amazing.

    Thanks for keeping up with me and my spiritual ramblings! Please forgive me if I sound self righteous that is not my intentions at all. I am just spewing my wonderful spiritual experiences on a blog and hoping it may help someone who is or have been in any of my crazy situations. I truly love this spiritual mission I am on!