Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Carter's Birth Story

I'm so excited to finally have Carter's Birth story written down! And what better day to post it then on the exact day 2 years later when I was told that I had miscarried my baby. To the day! (July 1st) How awesome to remember such a hard time in my life with such a happy one now! 

I'm going to start off by saying that this pregnancy was the easiest by far or at least the quickest! It may have had to do with the fact that I was so distracted by 2 boys running a muck and me running after them on a daily basis to keep up with them not allowing a chance to really focus on being pregnant as much as I had with the other 2. Don't get me wrong I didn't mind it at all but it sure made the birth feel like it was super premature! In reality Carter only came nearly 3 weeks early. Not horrible. On the other side of the spectrum however, I was starting to get anxious and impatient for Mr. Man to make his entrance into this world. So when he did come early I was pretty darn relieved and excited! 

2 or so weeks before Carter's birth date came both Jason and I were getting anxious for Carter to come. We wanted to meet him so badly. The boys took the cake for being the most impatient however, with daily inquires on if he was coming yet. They probably fueled most of our impatience since we didn't want to hear their same pestering questions to be brutally honest. Although I was so happy that they were so excited to meet their brother. Just got a bit annoying after so long. Lol.  Although we were anxious we needed him to come after June 17th since Jason was still in training and if he missed any days before the 17th he would have to start training all over again, getting him behind in his team and putting off his chance to move up in the company faster. We were willing to wait until after then and since my due date wasn't until June 26th, we were pretty certain nothing would happen until after then anyway since my body doesn't go into labor by itself, at least not quickly or early by any means. We did set an induction date for June 20th since Jason's sister Becky was coming up that week and I wanted her to come to Carter's birth. I also had a friend coming up that same week that could be our Birth photographer since I had to cancel the one I had contacted months before since she didn't fit in the budget with everything else we needed before his arrival. Not to mention the 20th was my birthday and what better way to celebrate it then having a baby on the exact day! We thought we were in a great place, thinking that either way we were set to have him after the 17th. That is until I started dilating and effacing. At 36 weeks I was already 3cm dilated and 50% effaced. This came as a huge shock to both Jason and I when my OB checked me at my appointment since again my body doesn't go into labor on its own especially that early! My OB then told us that she is fairly certain that I would not make it to my due date, or 39 weeks in general. Her prediction was that I would give birth at 38 weeks if not sooner and he would be just about 6 pounds and will practically fly out without  a long labor at all. Talk about terrifyingly exciting! Exciting since any pregnant girl does not actually want to be pregnant the full length once the blubber whale sensation strikes. Terrifying since she made it sound like if I sneezed just right I would drop him in the isle at the grocery store without warning... Haha. This news made us a bit nervous since we needed him to come after the 17th. Her prediction put me just at 38 weeks if that! We realized we may be cutting it extremely close!! We left the appointment with our fingers crossed that he would stay put. Secretly however I was ecstatic that my body was starting to progress into labor by itself since after being induced for my 2 boys I always wanted to experience the excitement around my water breaking. It was just something that I had always imagined being a smoother and more natural transition into labor then that pitocin creates. I mostly just wanted the exciting trip to the hospital when it broke. Call me silly but I was really hoping I could experience that at least once.  I didn't think I ever would experience that since my placentas die early making me have to be induced to ensure a healthy baby at birth. 

From the sounds of it my OB couldn't see any signs of my placenta dying with this pregnancy even with all the stress tests I was scheduled for to double check on its condition. The results were shaky at the beginning of each test but always picked up near the end. This was something I was use to seeing with the other boys as well. The nurses just tagged it to Carter not wanting to cooperate fully. The concern that came at the beginning of each test had me and Jason on edge slightly since given my history, I literally could be taken into labor and delivery at the drop of a hat regarding the results. But the results ultimately came back normal each time, allowing us to go home with no concern from the doctors each time. 

It was 3:56am on June 10th when I woke up from a dream I had. In my dream I had just given birth and the boys, Jason and I were all cooing over our sweet little Carter. He had dark brown hair and was as sweet as could be! It felt SO real I had to lay there for a second to just think about it. It almost felt like someone was telling me to mentally "prepare". This was not the only dream I have had of Carter with dark hair and a realistic feel to it or a sensation to prepare early emotionally to welcome in this sweet baby boy. A couple of week prior Jason and I were winding down for the night watching a show and chatting about our short future ahead of us. There came a sense of understanding to my mind and heart that Carter would be coming early. I even told Jason how I just felt he was coming earlier than expected. This was before the OB had told us of her prediction. After laying there at 3:56am on the 10th thinking about how much more real this dream was compared to the last, I realized that I had to pee, again... Something that was a frequent occurrence being 37 weeks along. I came back and laid down again, more groggy and really looking forward to fall fast asleep again. I had just adjusted my big belly in an 11 point turn all while huffing and puffing. I had just closed my eyes in happy anticipation of getting more sleep when it happened without warning. My eyes flew open!! Carter kicked or head butted really really low. It was alarmingly low. I waited to see if he would do it again. He did. Then it happened, My water broke. I couldn't believe it, literally! I laid there to make sure I wasn't imagining it. I moved around a bit, shifting sides and at that point I knew without a doubt my water broke. I grabbed my phone to check the time, it was 4:00am on the dot. I didn't know what to do! It was 4am!! My kids and hubby were all happily sleeping and I didn't want to HAVE to actually call my previously set up babysitter this early even though she said she would have her phone on and by her head each night just in case. I was estactic and had a little celebratory squeal to myself once reality really set in that I was experiencing what I have always wanted to experience!! For a brief moment I didn't want to wake anyone up just yet and wait it out until my contractions had gotten stronger and closer together. That idea quickly faded when my OBs voice popped into my head that my labor would be very short and he would fly out. I literally didn't know how short it would actually be and did not want to chance it only to give birth in the car rushing to the hospital. That's when I turned and only slightly tapped Jason's shoulder whispering "Hubbin?" He jumped a mile high saying "Is it time!!!??" I took a second to stop laughing and then said enthusiastically "yes! My water just broke." He said "are you serious!!?" He then flew out of bed half asleep and started tearing through the house gathering up my hospital bag, the boys sleepover bag for the babysitter as well as getting dressed and getting the boys out of bed. That had to be my favorite thing to watch ever! You would have assumed by watching him that this was our first baby! Haha!!

 I was not moving nearly as fast since I did not want to gush fluids all over the place (TMI?). I made it to the bathroom to really double check the fluids. It was once again undeniable, my water was broken. Shortly after that the contractions started up. I went and got dressed. Jason was rushing me since he and the boys were all ready to go and he for sure did not want to have to catch a baby in the front seat! Keep in mind it was only 4:05am at this point. When I say he rushed through the house I wasn't kidding... Haha!! I went back to the bathroom again since more fluid was coming and I hadn't bought any pads to wear. We did buy puppy potty training mats for the car just in case I actually did go into labor naturally, but those were way to huge to put in my underwear. Luckily Carter's head was low enough to block the gushing and fluids running down my leg. I went around the house to make sure we got everything for both parties. It was so nice to have had everything packed a couple of weeks beforehand so in that frantic moment we could just grab and go! I gave myself a good pat on the back for that one. 

Once we got to the door ready to go (mind you its only 4:10am at this point) I recorded the boys reaction to us telling them that it was finally time for Carter to come! They were way excited! We made it out the door and I made the call to the on call babysitter. She answered right away and welcomed the boys in with welcome arms! What a relief we had planned ahead on that aspect! Few!! Thank you Tiffany for being AMAZING!! After the boys were situated, off Jason and I went/zoomed to the hospital! Oh the excitement was unreal! So much more fun then an induction date! I had to tell Jason to slow down. We didn't need a ticket on our way to the hospital I wasn't crowning yet or anything. He was just so excited but scared that Carter would come in the car. I reminded him that my contractions were only just starting and there was no need to speed. He slowed down and that's when he really started to get a grip on reality. We both kept saying "We're having a baby, today!! Holy cow is this really happening?" The ride to the hospital was so much fun and so bonding for us! I wish I could relive it over and over again. That was exactly what I had anticipated experiencing once my water broke. And having it happen in the early hours made it all that more fun! There was no traffic and the weather was beautiful! 

Once we got to the hospital around 4:40am (we choose a super nice hospital nearly 30mins away) We were getting all checked in and waiting on a room when Carter moved his head just right and the flood gates opened. Jason laughed at my now very wet wattle to our room. I laughed as well since I did ask to experience it all! It felt so good to get into a hospital gown and into a clean hospital bed. They put all the monitors on baby and me and put my IVs in. I was then checked to see how far along my progression was and I was already 5cm and 80% effaced! WOW! No kidding on the short labor comment! Once I get to a 5 I usually go pretty fast after that. 

 Once all the nurses routines were finished they let us be alone until the next routine check. Those few minutes were another really exciting time for both Jason and me. We discussed how smoothly so far this whole pregnancy and birth had been. How blessed we felt for everything that day in particular to have been going so flawlessly so far. We discussed how excited the boys would be to finally meet their baby brother and we loved the fact that we were there by ourselves. We also laughed and rolled our eyes to the fact that Carter had not waited to come after June 17th which meant Jason would have to start his training all over again. Stinker!

 I would have loved to have had Jason's sister there since I have had a family member attend each birth, but once we were in the hospital alone together I was so at peace knowing that this would be a really special experience for us both to go through alone together. I still had a tinge of sadness though since everyone needs a mother figure at their birth. I knew I had made the right choice in cutting my entire family out but I still missed having my mom there. It was in that moment that my Grandma Fern appeared by my bedside. My grandma passed away 12 years ago almost to the day. I knew she was there with us in that moment because her thin, soft wrinkled hand slid into mine. Slightly shaking like it use to when she would grab your hand as she sat and talked with you. It was warm and comforting. I started to cry in such gratitude thanking Heavenly Father for sending her to me in that exciting time. For the rest of the labor and delivery I could feel and see her presence sitting on the edge of the couch the hospital provides for husbands and other family members. She was in one of her favorite outfits, she had her legs crossed and her foot was slightly bouncing in anticipation. She was leaning over slightly on the cabinets that were against the couch to support her frail body. Her hair was short and the same dark grey color that was attempted to be covered with a lighter dirty blonde color. She sat smiling with her eyebrows slightly raised as she always smiled. She was there to support her granddaughter and to also be there for Carter on his big day since I know he had a very special bond with her. Moments after I felt her with us we had a new nurse come in for the start of her shift. She was an older frail women who resembled my grandma in the physical form. She would lift my arm to check my stats, her hands were soft and slightly wrinkled, and would ever so slightly shake. She had short dark grey hair, she has a sweet smile and a quiet voice as my grandma had. I thought it was such a blessing knowing that she would be my nurse during the actual delivery. The tears started flowing once again in happiness when I noticed her wrist watch. It was the exact one my grandma use to wear every day. It was a small thing but it made it feel even more like my grandma was in the room with us. What a sweet experience it all was for me. Even Jason who never met Grandma Fern could feel her sweet spirit in the room. We took a picture with this sweet nurse after Carter was born. Even though she didn't fully look like my grandma she was definitely sent as a surgent for her.  

Things were still progressing during the early hours of the morning, I progressed to a 6 and stayed there for awhile. Jason and I tried to find a show to watch to distract my mind from the now more intense contractions. Even though the contractions were getting harder to breathe through I realized during one that I was breathing through they were no where near as fatally intense or long lasting in comparison with contractions induced with pitocin. Holy crap they were night and day different!! I thought to myself if i really wanted to or needed to go full natural on this birth I think I actually could! The pain difference was insanely different! If I can avoid getting induced ever again, I would do what ever it takes! 

I didn't go fully natural this go around however since I'm a wimp when it comes to pain tolerance. I told the nurse to get me an epidural early so that I could just enjoy the sweet moment of his arrival. I LOVE my epidurals. I got it around 6cm dilated and just really loved life after that. 

It took an hour or 2 to dilate to a 7. Only 5 minutes after my nurse checked me and said I was a 7 I felt a lot of pressure  in my pelvis. I knew that feeling all to well but thought to myself I'm only a 7, he can not possibly be crowing now!? I called my nurse in and told her what's going on. She checked me and to her surprise I was a full 10cm and he was sure enough crowning!! 

I was warned right as I was settled into my bed that my OB was scheduled for a few surgeries that day so she may not be there at the birth but that one of her CO-obstetricians of the office would be. I wasn't concerned with that, I didn't care who caught the baby as long as he came healthy. Once the nurse saw that I was crowning she made the call to my OB to see if she was available. She came back laughing. She said "you won't believe this , Dr. Evenson was just washing up for her next surgery and said that she would put if off to make it to your birth as long as you push like a champ" We both laughed, what are the odds that I flew to a 10 within minutes just in time to still allow my OB who I love to be the one to deliver Carter!? Just another thing that went flawlessly during this birth. Heavenly Father rocks. 

Dr. Evenson was there within seconds. She got her gloves on and check to see where Carter was. She was surprised that it was already time for me to push. They got me ready and she then told me to push. I pushed 3 times then took a small break to wait for the next contraction. I then pushed 2 more times and that's all it took! Carter Timothy Miller was born at 10:35am! He was 5lbs 15oz and 20inchs long with dark brown hair just like my dreams had indicated. We were so in love with him! Dr. Evenson was laughing as she was cleaning him up before she handed him to me since his arms and legs were going everywhere. She laughed and said "look at those hands and feet!! And man he is just all arms and legs!" Haha definitely a Miller boy!! They then put him on my chest which was so amazing! He calmed right down and his breathing regulated. The hospital allows moms to hold their new babies for an hour skin to skin uninterrupted to ensure bonding. I didn't get a chance to do that with Christian since he wasn't breathing right and doctors needed to help him. Kaden I got to do it with and loved it. I was excited to have the chance to experience it again. It really is so bonding for mom and baby! Before Dr. Evenson ran off to her scheduled surgery, she congratulated us and told us that I was right, my placentas do retire early, she started seeing the signs that it was on its way out and thats why I went into labor so early but our cute little boy there detected it and decided to come early and naturally for his mama. Yay for Carter for answering his mama's prayers to go into labor naturally!!

After a few minutes of him on my chest my friend Ashlee came into the room. She was trying to make it to the birth but I progressed too fast. I was just so happy she could come and celebrate with us moments after he was born. After our hour of skin to skin was up, our nurse took Carter to get wrapped up and warm and then it was Jason's turn to hold Carter for the first time. I looked over and caught one of my favorite moments after our babies are born, my handsome husband carefully cradling our new baby and talking so sweetly to him with tears in his eyes. I sent Ashlee over to get a picture of him. It is just the sweetest thing for me to experience him becoming a dad time and time again. Best daddy ever!

Once Jason's time was done it was aunt Ashlee's turn. She was in love! I felt so lucky to have such a great friend there for me! She literally dropped everything to be there for us. 

We were then taken to our recovery room. I finally got to eat something and it was amazing! We sat and talked as we ate while cuddling a cute baby. Once Ashlee went home Jason and I watched some shows while I was getting adjusted to nursing again. It was such a chill night that night even with all the nurses in and out. The entire day from start to finish was such a breeze and truly one of the happiest days of our lives! Everything went so smoothly and with ease. We felt Heavenly Fathers hand throughout the entire day helping things progress flawlessly. We witnessed multiple blessings throughout the day. We surly were so blessed. Even though we had such an amazing day from start to finish there had been so many blessings we experienced the days leading up to his birth and days prior. One major blessing I would love to share is that just a couple of weeks before we gave birth we put our house we still owned in Arizona up for sale. Within hours we had 3 offers on the house all over our asking price. Literally days before we gave birth we signed the last document stating that we had officially sold our house. If that wasn't a blessing in and of itself to get rid of the major responsibility that house still had on our shoulders financially, the amount of money we made off of the house made our jaws drop. We were just hoping to just break even on the house and to rid ourselves from the ridiculous monthly payment the HOA demanded from us, but instead we made $10,000 off the house. The day after Carter's birth that money was available in our bank account. We left the hospital knowing that his birth could be paid off in full right away and still have plenty to help us financially the months following. Does that not just have Heavenly Fathers name written all over it!? Not only did that money come in but Jason was also given a bonus, and a raise!!. All these blessings were so humbling to experience and I know without a doubt that they came to us days before Carter was born BECAUSE we were doing the Lords will making sacrifices and bringing another beautiful spirit child into this world. We felt so blessed and so incredibly happy while in the hospital with our new little guy. Truly one of the best experiences ever! Carter's birth is for sure one for the books! 

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Chapter 4: Now you see it, now you don't....

After selling my camera, 95% of my photography gear and a whole butt load of junk dug out of the deepest parts of my apartment, I was amazed at just how much I had all together saved up. It was nearing the $2,000 range. I was excited that buying our beds would be happening in a matter of days!! I felt so great and proud of all the hard work and hard choices I made to get to that point over the last few weeks. It was either the exact same day or a day after I calculated all I had saved up when on that particular day, I kept receiving calls from debt consultants, Verizon, our Internet company and a few more all looking for upcoming or past due bills. I called Jason to see if this was a fluke thing and he said no, he didn't know why they were all calling me but alot more bills were due this next week including all of the regular bills. He said he was way stressed since he had no idea where he would get the extra money to pay the bills plus tithing he owed for the last paycheck he got but didn't have time to calculate and pay tithing on.... When he got home he calculated the outstanding bills and to my utter shock it was the EXACT amount TO THE DOLLAR as my saved up money... I tried REALLY hard to deny the coincidence. It only took me 2 days after that to realize it wasn't a coincidence at all. However I did NOT want to recognize the prompting I was feeling to pay those bills and tithing with the money I had earned. It wasn't happening. Nope! Move along, I am finally getting a bed to sleep on, and that was FINAL!!

 I knew better, and I knew that I knew better. It was another "humbling" moment, one I did not think I needed, considering the events of the last few weeks! I didn't want to pray to confirm the prompting. I didn't want the real answer. I prayed anyway but not all "cute" as I should when asking to clear my mind and give me peace. Asking if this was what the money was best used for or not. I was thinking/hoping maybe He will ignore my prayer all together since it was on the bad attitude side of things and who wants to answer one of those!? But, as hard as I tried, a prayer is a prayer and Heavenly Father answers all of them. I immediately felt at peace and knew with a surety that that money was meant for the bills. I felt uplifted knowing that I had peace around it and paid them without a second thought, but it was still a bit hard to swallow. 

That same day, as we paid all the bills in time, plus tithing, with the exact amount with my earned money. I was left with a handful of junk coins to my name.... 

Now, I know exactly what you might be thinking right about now... Either, Option A: "What the #%&$&*@!7& are you kidding me!?!!!?! All that hard work she was inspired to do to earn the money for the beds and now that was all down the drain!?! Abandoning her at ground zero all over again!?! Seriously!?! #%$&@!!! *cold shoulder to Heavenly Father*. 

Or option B: "wow! What a huge blessing to have been inspired to sell all that stuff and make the exact amount to pay off those bills so they could save their credit for potential future financial purposes. Heavenly Father is amazing!!!" 

I would be lying if I didn't say I had both of those feelings cycle through my head when the situation was at hand.... haha Yep, nothing like being transparent here. 

So, there I was, after hours and hours, days and weeks of hard work of cleaning and organizing every last inch of my apartment and selling all the junk I could find, sacrificing my beloved professional photography camera/ equipment and career, saving dollar after dollar and within a day's time it was all whittled down to a small handful of pennies that didn't even add up to .50c. Sadness was one of the many emotions that occasionally came about after looking at my now pathetically empty money jar. But for the most part, I felt truly blessed to have had the right amount of money to pay down all the bills but especially the debt collecting ones. Jason said that if I hadn't made that money then our credit (that was finally coming back up from the brutal beating it took when Christian was in the hospital and we had no insurance, Medicaid or income) would have been shot all over again. I felt uplifted and grateful that Heavenly Father was watching out for us, even that far ahead! We were so relieved. I felt a huge serge of power in my soul after making the hard decision to spend the money on bills. It felt like a huge "Thank You!" from Heavenly Father for following his promptings even though they were brutal and emotionally taxing. I felt amazing after the money was spent. Still some sadness since I was back at ground zero but I tried not thinking about it, only sinking back where I know I didn't want to be. 

It was literally only 2 days later. I get a knock at my door. I open it to find 2 very tall Tongan men standing all jolly saying they have a delivery for a Melissa Miller. They then proceed to bring in a brand new queen size, name brand pillow top mattress, brand new box spring, a brand new metal bed support and brand new sheets. I hadn't ordered any of it and didn't know of their existence until the night before they showed up when my friend had told me to be on the lookout. Someone she knew but who wanted to stay anonymous ordered us a brand new bed. I had only told this one friend of what I was saving up for when she asked if I could take her family pictures this spring and I had to explain my current photography situation and why. She then by total happenstance was in contact with me when I had paid the bills since she asked what was new, and that was currently the newest, pressing on my brain development and I just mentioned it to her.

While the bed was being brought into the apartment I was FLOORED. "How? Why? When? What? Who!? How?!? Really!?!?! Is this a joke? A dream? Wait What!?" My brain was going a mile a minute after the delivery men left. We were literally just given a brand new amazing bed..... I couldn't believe it. Stuff like this doesn't happen. I started crying because I was so thankful. Jason came home and had to take a step back when he first walked in. I mean we had an actual bed to sleep on and not some old rotten stranger stained used mattress. No this was a brand new, still in plastic bed to call our own that appeared out of nowhere with no money to its fund. I think it would shock anyone. Holy smokes!!!! 


We felt SO beyond blessed as we started setting it up. We were just so grateful to the anonymous person who was beyond selfless and bought us a bed and even thought to buy us sheets!! I wished I could hug her for hours! If she only knew what we had been through and just sacrificed and how much I loved her, even though I didn't know her, then I would feel somewhat closer to making it up to her!! 

That night was the BEST nights sleep we had both had in forever!!! I actually fell straight asleep without twisting and turning or waking up in the middle of the night twisting and turning trying to get comfortable. I woke up feeling like I actually got deep restorative sleep. Jason felt energized and rested as well, something he hadn't felt in a long time. Especially with his new crazy demanding work schedule, quality sleep was exactly what he needed most. 

I just knew Heavenly Father had his hand in this... How else could you explain this miracle?? He knew exactly the sacrifices we made and how hard I particularly struggled with making the hard decisions. But once I did, I knew he was proud of me and I full heartily believe that he inspired the anonymous lady, to have the desire to really really help someone in need, ready to pay in full whatever it was they needed. Then He made it possible for my friend to inadvertently know our current situation even though I had not told anyone else. He engineered it so perfectly so that my friend would be talking to her friend who she didn't know had a desire to help someone, and when my friend had mentioned my name and crazy circumstances, that's when it all came around full circle with the anonymous lady at a drop of a hat buy us a brand new bed without blinking an eye and get it delivered the same day. It boggles my mind at how amazingly perfect the Lord works and makes things work. He didn't leave me stranded at ground zero with only .50c, no he did much much more then that for us. He made it possible for me to be fully inspired to sell all I had, to save up enough money for a bed only to turn it around to pay off the threading bills, save our credit and still provide us with a brand new bed. It makes no sense?? but He made it happen! He is beyond amazing. I am speechless. Absolutely speechless.

We have had the bed a solid week and a half now and we get amazing sleep every night. We feel like brand new people! My poor, once achy, pregnant body actually feels alive and well again!! AMAZING!!! I know my Heavenly Father loves me. He loves me so much and will do anything to help us in our times of need, no matter the circumstances. I am beyond blessed to be his daughter. I am still just in complete shock over all this. The best part is, I still have 3 very valuable camera gear items and valuable junk items that, once sold, will most likely provide me enough money for the boys beds AND bed spreads..... My mind is blown. I have no idea how He pulled all that off. Heavenly Father IS perfect. 

He even provided enough money from the junk sale for me to afford the beginning step of my next task...

 Speechless...



**And for those of you interested, I did in fact sign Christian up for kindergarten regardless of whatever crazy 6 year commitment I was told about. There is a French program at that school that is hard to get into and I assume they were relaying that the 6 year commitment was for that program which I was not interested in. So with that understanding I registered him without any more info given to the school about our current living situation... I feel SO much better now that he will be getting school!! He is SOOOO excited!! Now to hold him off until August... oh boy.... Wish me luck! 



Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Chapter 3: Tunnel Vision

Have you ever had those moments provided you to see a glimpse of your futures potential? Its almost like being handed a kaleidoscope but instead of trying to make out what your seeing through unclear fragments, you see with pristine vision and knowledge of what lies ahead for you? Anyone? I like referring to them as tunnel vision, since you only get a peek at your potential but only through a long dark tunnel, closing you off from the knowledge of your long, unmarked journey on how you actually got there. I only get them on very special occasions. The first one that I can actually remember was around the time I got my patriarchal blessing. It had mentioned some elaborate details about my future husband and kids. That's when it happened. I saw Jason Miller, (my boyfriend at the time of the blessing) in a nice kitchen leaning over the counter and lovingly teasing his children as fathers often do. It was only a snapshot that lasted a second. Nowhere in my blessing did it explain that scenario but there it was. It was so powerful and so precise that I knew it was meant for me to see. It was Jason, my husband for many years at that point teasing our children in our kitchen. There was no denying it, that was tunnel vision.

I have had a few more fun tunnel vision scenarios pop up at times I now see as critical times when the Lord knew I needed them to keep me following the right bread crumb path he had laid out for me to attain my future he had planned. I have actually passed and experienced only one tunnel vision so far that I had received a year or so before the actual event happened. It was exactly the same as I had seen and felt the year prior. That's why I believe in them so strongly.  All the others have been too far in the future to compare them too. So I wait. 

(Side note: Heavenly Father reveals personal things in very distinct ways, personally altered for that particular individual. This is just one way he does for me.)

One of my favorite tunnel visions was the confirmation of my fasting and praying as I was trying to know if I should marry Jason. I can't even explain how amazing that particular tunnel vision was. It was a much more detailed one then I had ever been given before and for the first time in receiving them, it showed just a peek of our future in the eternities. Ill keep the cute details for myself with this one since I hold this one the most sacred.

These tunnel visions only happen once in a blue moon and I only mention their existence because as I was handed the new and much more emotionally draining task from Heavenly Father in continuing my new instruction manual. I was caught for a time in utter confusion on what I needed to actually do in order to accomplish the new task, all while struggling with the question "Why?" the decision even had to be made. Like other tunnel vision scenarios before, they came at the most critical time when I needed them the most to help me visualize what was to come and to motivate me to make the right steps in getting to that end point. I was so grateful to have been given one at this particular crossroad.

It was in Elder David A. Bednar's talk "Come and See" where I found something incredible. Jason had been bugging me for a week or so to read it since it was one he recently listened to and loved and knew that I would love as well. I wanted to read it but for the life of me could never remember what the title name was when I actually found the time to sit down to read. Finally after a week or so of asking me if I ever read it, and him receiving the same pathetic answer, he finally pulled it up on his phone as we were laying in bed one night. As I sat there listening to the audio recording of the talk, something hit me strong. A story Bednar was telling, about his 2 young sons at the time who were both playing out in the yard. The younger of the brothers got scratched and was crying. The older brother took immediate action to making his wound feel better. He ran his younger brother inside, pulled a chair up to the medical supply cabinet and started cleaning the wound and dressing it with far too much ointment and plenty of bandages to spare. Once the scratch was cleaned and taken care of, Elder Bednar and his wife (who were observing from a distance to see if the boys had learned all they had been taught about brotherly kindness), noticed something peculiar. Once the younger boy got down from the counter, he took the remaining ointment and band aids outside to his friends and started addressing their wound free arms. Bednar continues the talk with how, as members of this church, we want to share with everyone the healing power we experience in our lives with the atonement and living the gospel to its fullest. Much like the ointment and band aids the little boy had dressed on his wound, making it feel better and soon be able to heal, the atonement acts as the same treatment but to much larger, spiritual wounds. This story struck me hard, not only because I can relate to having two young boys, who given a chance would make a mess in the kitchen with all kinds of ointment and ninja turtle band aids, whether addressing a wound or not, but that the story taught me something I had missed altogether about how the atonement can cleanse all in any situation they may face in their life. It was then I realized something amazing. I know it was blatantly obvious to most but to me it was not. I realized during the talk that the atonement wasn't there for just sinners but for those that had been destroyed due to others sins. It was the biggest *DUH* moment for me but the most spiritually uplifting one. I realized then that Heavenly Father was giving me more then what I was allowing myself to live with. My eyes were being opened to a whole new level of how big my bloom actually would be...

I then knew what the whole purpose of the instruction manual was actually for! It was huge! A whole lot bigger then I thought it was meant for in providing me the comparatively small peace I was looking for to escape the chaos I had rumbling around in my soul weeks prior. Little did I know what was actually brewing in Heavenly Fathers plans for me. It was intended for a personally scripted, easily understandable and accomplish-able instruction manual to the Atonement. The Atonement! Of all things I could have guessed it was being written for, the huge bomb of the Atonement was unfortunately not in my line of sight as possibilities!! But there it was, the actual reason for the manuals existence! A whole lot more chaos was raging in my soul that had planted itself there for a much longer time, with much deeper, damaging roots and he was going to attack THAT turmoil then the measly stuff about a house, car, beds etc... Pssh! Thats nothing. I can't even tell you how excited I was to know that I was about to embark on a HUGE journey of not only coming to a full understanding of the Atonement and how it really works, but to apply it fully to my life. All the horrifying things I went through in my life and all the trauma and toxic side effects it all caused in my life (PTSD, trichotrillomania, extreme panic attacks, anger, self doubt, self hate, self destruction, heavy and powerful memories that drag me down when they resurface on the occasion and many more) ALL will be made clean. Becoming uprooted and burned for the first time since they started to root into my daily routine around the age of 7. I never thought anything in the world could be powerful enough to even put a bandage on top of any of the side effects, let alone clear them out entirely. But in that small story of the 2 young brothers I started to come to a realization that there was one thing that WAS that powerful and so much more.

It talks about how the atonement will be a part of my life in my patriarchal blessing. The only problem I kept running into when reading my blessing from time to time was that I was not making gigantic mistakes in my life (something I thought the full potential of the atonement was strictly for... don't judge). For the most part (with the exception of small, everyday stupid "im human" sins I had under my belt). I really didn't have any gigantic, blaring siren sins that I needed the full power of the atonement for, to change my life around for the better. I really was only utilizing the basics and going through the motions of it for basic sins that everyone makes. I felt lost as to how the atonement would make such a huge impact on my life if I wasn't making a huge impact to use its full capacity. I freaked myself out thinking that my future held a dark secret that I would do something so horribly wrong that then I would need the full atonement for.... I really freaked out actually. haha

It was around the same time of me pondering the amazing "new to me" information about the atonement that a short but sweet tunnel vision came about. It was me, doing everyday things, playing with the kids, cleaning the house, talking with Jason etc... But there was something different about me. Something much lighter about my aura. I seemed free and un-burdened. I realized I was living life in full capacity of the happiness and peace that the atonement provided me because I choose to use it fully in healing all the hurt and trauma I had once carried. In the tunnel vision, I noticed that I had long healthy eyelashes and actual eyebrows with no picked out spots which meant my trichotillomania was healed, something that literally is nearly impossible to do. I could feel that my PTSD was healed and there no longer was any internal turmoil constantly raging in my soul. I was in full functioning order providing a happy fulfilling life for not only myself, but for my kids and husband. No longer was I dragging around a couple of gigantic, heavy ball and chains that were welded to my ankles for the nearly 20+ years I had carried them for prior. Those had vanished and I was free. 

I had successfully utilized all that I had learned from my instruction manual like it was second nature to me. It was an amazing thing to see and feel. Once the tunnel vision faded I heard a small voice tell me that there was a reason I needed to consider a very hard decision I was asked to consider before the talk or vision were given to me. I was told that there was a way for me to actually become that Melissa I saw and have always longed for. It would require a huge sacrifice however since in order to fully focus on the pristine process I had laid out in front of me, I needed to rid my life of all outside source distractions. I felt that if I had any distractions at all (outside of my small family dynamic of course), then my mind would not have full capacity to really allow all the teachings that would come to fully sink in and be able to plant its self in my life and grow. Outside distractions would cause damage if I continued in them and I had no room for damage. With that new guided and comforting instruction I knew fully that the newest task I had been struggling with had its final answer. I needed to let my passion for photography go completely. 

I knew why I was being asked to let it go. It was the one big distraction I had in my life since my business was now state recognized in 2 different states. This meant my clientele had my schedule packed full of sessions. Even putting a limit on the amount of sessions I accept a month was going to take me away from the most important lesson I had waiting for me. After I was asked to give up photography, I really didn't know what to think. Part of me was OK with it since I could just pick it back up again if I needed/wanted but the other part of me cried a lot. I love photography. I love the way I see the worlds natural beauty when scouting for new locations. I love the people I meet, the lives I change and the amazing spirit I capture with each new family or wedding picture. I love the constant learning curve it provides making it never get boring. I loved that my talent was being recognized and loved by many. I couldn't just drop it all, could I? It was then I realized that the art behind the photography was not fully the distraction He was referring to, it was the stresses I get bogged down with of the "behind the scenes" quirks all photographers have to deal with. The client's specific requests, complaints, and occasionally unrealistic expectations on how we function or should make our edits look. Those and many more stersses would weigh me down again if I ever got back into photography in the future. I understood that the scariest most permanent decision in this newest request was then being asked. I was feeling that I needed to sell all of my photography gear... My beloved camera and all off camera lighting equipment... I sat on that one for the longest time, going back and forth on if I could actually follow through with it. Selling everything would clearly make it all permanent and very very real. What would I tell my devoted clients? It was all terrifying. But after hearing and being inspired by the talk and seeing the amazing tunnel vision, I knew what I needed/wanted to do. My mind was made up and I was taking action.

I figured the real test was if Heavenly Father would actually sell my camera this time without Breaking it!!! haha I smirked very sarcastically and said out loud in my living room after my final decision was made and I had already posted my camera for sale. I said to Heavenly Father mostly jokingly, "If you break my camera again after getting a buyer, so help me I will never post it ever again no matter what I'm asked! You prove to me this is suppose to happen by selling my camera ASAP with NO malfunctions, then I will be convinced and happy to post everything else." ha!. I sold the camera in a matter of days with no glitches, absolutely problem free and very close to my asking price. I got his point loud and clear after that and followed through with my end of the deal and posted all of the equipment. Every thing sold in a matter of a week or so (except 3 items but I believe the income from those sales will be needed later so they are on standby for now). 

After my camera sold, ill admit I cried. It was a mixed emotions cry. I was sad to see it go along with my talent but I was happy to start and really commit to the power of the atonement I know will have in my life. It's something I have wanted far longer and with greater desire then a camera and photography talent. I was never left without comfort. 

There was no question in my mind as to why, after feeling so right about selling all that junk to afford the beds would I actually come up short. Allowing Heavenly Father to blaze a path to my next task. The immediately obvious blessing in selling my camera gear was the dollar amount I could put towards the beds. But the intended blessing went far deeper then that. The real blessing behind selling it was the degree of healing and blooming I would be given because of the sacrifice. Who wouldn't be ecstatic for that promise!?

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/come-and-see?lang=eng


video


Monday, March 2, 2015

Chapter 2: Cleaning house part 1.

After I had enough of the chaos I was creating for myself with Satan's help of making it worse. I realized that I could lean on Heavenly Father for understanding and help to feel at peace again.

After humbling myself to except His will for me, I was given a task, one of many I would come to find out to immerse myself in in order to be at peace with our current situation. I wanted to not feel such a huge burden of our needs for a house, car, beds etc... especially when there were no real solutions to any of those, sending me into sink hole after sink hole. 

My first thought after asking for help to ease my burdens was that I probably would have to be better at doing the daily favorite primary answers; reading scriptures, praying, family home evenings etc... Which are a great place to start when feeling a lack of the spirit in your life. I understood I was not keeping up with that all as well as I had in the past I'll admit, but when I received my first task to accomplish by the Lord I was a bit confused at how different of a task it was entirely. 

My first task was presented as "Cleaning House" 

(This chapter will be directly linked to the literal concept of this phrase however I will use this phrase a few times. The next few chapters I post will be the figurative meaning. Both equally as important and each have remarkable lessons associated to them.)

Cleaning house. After receiving this task I had to ponder on what it meant. I felt that there were more meanings to it then the obvious, but the obvious one was where I would start. My house wasn't a dung heap, it was a usual daily dirty. Dirty dishes in the sink, laundry to be done, toys everywhere, unmade (makeshift) beds etc.. It was just lived in is all. It definitely wasn't in competition with something you would expect on the TV show "Hoarders, buried alive."

I figured what harm would it do to get ahead of the game and really focus on cleaning up the place so I could maintain it easier on a day to day basis not a "Saturday clean sweep" weekly project. It was nice to get everything picked up and kept up with. It helped get my mind off of some of the chaos in my brain. However the most significant thing I wanted to maintain with the cleanliness that I had started to realize was more present was the light and amazing spirit that was brought into the home. I always love how having a clean house makes you feel. It's almost freeing to have the burden of walking over minimal or large amounts of junk, off your shoulders. As an added measure to keep the spirit up I had the thought to put up some notes around the house to remind me of some encouraging words to keep my spirits up and motivated to become better, not only for me but for the boys as well.

After getting on top of all my chores, and creating a fun and helpful chore chart for the boys to join in on learning the importance of having those responsibilities, my focus was turned slightly in a different direction on what needed cleaning. 

Deep cleaning and de-junking is an amazing way to feel even more clean, free and accomplished. I had all the motivation in the world to rummage through all my dark corners in my apartment and really focus on getting rid of stuff and organizing. Something I haven't really had a chance to focus on since our big move and all the small moves in between. I was surprised at all I still had packed or thrown in boxes I hadn't unearthed in a year or 2. 

During my clean sweep I started coming to a quick understanding on why cleaning, organizing and de-junking was my first task. I had an entire pile of stuff that if I sold I could make some decent money off of. I had the immediate thought (I guarantee was not my own) that if I sold and saved up enough money, I could ease the largest need of having a house in some light by saving up for beds so we could make this apartment a more house-like and more comfortable home. The stability I was aching for I quickly realized didn't have to be just a house or beds or the everyday things people need but something that resembled them which was comfort. I started finding myself asking Heavenly Father to help me make this apartment feel more like a welcoming home no matter the structure type. I felt inspired to start by saving up for our beds. I figured that if I sold enough extra junk then I could try and focus on buying some cute, personalized bedspreads as well for the boys beds to make it feel like they have a high quality bedroom. Something I would decorate and personalize in our own house if we had one. I could at least bring that factor in if I worked hard, now that I was helped to recognize a solution. Just having the excitement of providing something of their very own for the boys, let alone for our own bedroom was motivation enough and digging did I go! 

I was feeling better and better everyday! Selling everything I finally unearthed was exhausting to say the least but slowly I started saving up a bit of money. It was exhilarating and became a fun game for me to see how much I could make in one day! At one point I became very aware of another character flaw my past self struggled with. This time it was Heavenly Father reminding me so it came across much more up-lifting. I use to hold on to every single thing I thought may be important either from a memory I had involving the item, or assuming I may need/want it in the future. I was a borderline hoarder. I didn't have to ask a councilor if it was normal for someone who was traumatized the way I was to hold to stuff like I did. I knew it was a common thread. Convincing myself that things had feelings and by throwing them away or giving them up would hurt their feelings... No lie, it was debilitating. I always wanted to be free from that burden but never thought it possible. As I sat there mindlessly throwing things that I had memories to in the sell pile, not even blinking an eye on deliberating if I needed to keep it or not, I stopped for a minute while the Lord impressed on my mind how far I have come in yet another aspect of my life. I sat back for a minute to let its true amazement sink in. I was changing. I was blooming into an entirely different person, right in front of me was more hard evidence of that. A person my past self would only dream of ever becoming but actually laughing at the thought that that could never be me, given my circumstances... But there it was, in a large pile of stuff ready to sell. I saw a whole different girl spinning her own cocoon, willingly to work hard to completely change for the better. I was at that point extremely grateful for having the Lord help me recognize that and to have played such a huge role in helping me combat the clinginess to things. This whole experience of moving from Arizona has pushed me into having to sell things or just get rid of things. Desensitizing me to the way I perceived things. I would even declare it another categorized blessing in disguise. Things are things. They do not come with us into the eternities. How grateful I am to have learned that this early in life.

As the de-junking and selling continued, I did some research on cute beds with mattresses before I even considered looking at bedspreads. I realized quickly it may take awhile before I saved up enough money to afford our 3 beds. Even with all I had up for sale, it wouldn't make anywhere close to the amount of money I had calculated as a targeted goal to save up to afford the beds I had my eye on. I even kept my bed search to a certain price range allotment. Nothing too extravagant but also not ikea cheap that was bound to break within the following month knowing how my destructive boys treat furniture. Sturdy was a must, but it came with a higher price tag. 

Before I was even aloud to think about getting down about it, potentially leading me into another sink hole, I was instantly given another task. This one took me by surprise. It was going to be hard and I was nervous and frankly unsettled about it. I knew, along with myself, a lot of people would not understand at all about a decision that I was asked to consider that was now at hand... The more I thought about it, the more I knew I had to come to my own conclusion about it since Heavenly Father provides agency to all. I still had a choice in the matter and that was comforting but the more I weighed my options, the more I came to an understanding that the decision I needed to make was going to leave alot of people speechless, or overly confident with sharing their biased opinion on the matter, when in the end it was something I was asked to do. I sat on the options for a long time, praying to know the right answer. I knew with a burning knowledge that I had to make the harder of decisions to gain such an amazing reward, and not just the immediate noticeable one. 

After some amazing realizations and inspiration, I officially and confidently made up my mind. I jumped head first into the next task with all the faith in the world that it wouldn't backfire on me in any degree...



Saturday, February 28, 2015

Chapter 1: The Chaos

Chaos is a very good title name for this chapter of my "New Instruction Manuel" that is being written specifically for me by my loving Heavenly Father to help me get to my full capacity bloom the he promised me when I was seeking an answer as to why we needed to move to Utah besides saving me from depression. It is a much greater bloom then I could have ever expected. I thought I had already bloomed, but Heavenly Father had a huge surprise for me in store. Something I didn't think was ever in reach. Impossible is how I would have explained it before some amazing events started taking place in my life just in the last few months.

Chaos is exactly how I would explain my life just a few months ago.... It also helps me try and explain how my mind has been trying as hard as I could to put down in writing to explain my amazing experiences in the last few months to combat that previously mentioned chaos. But the right words and in the right way just would not come. Just plain chaos all around! Finally an idea on how to put it all down in words came to my mind. A new instruction manual is exactly the right way to explain everything in an organized and inspirational way for those who are interested in reading since I feel inspired to write it all down to refer back to but to also share. (Previous post found HERE). Heavenly Father gets the credit for the manual idea since I was getting nowhere fast. There were many steps I had to take and some are hard to explain fully and some that I can see coming once other steps are completed first and I need to find a way to explain them... Confused yet? No worries so was I but for the next few weeks I will be writing out my own instruction manual on a new life changing adventure I am specifically on for a far greater personal bloom then ever imagined. Writing out in a manual with chapters will make ALOT more sense for not only me, but for you all as well since it has so many degrees to it that demand to be put into categories. I love organization. So here we go!


It all started with beds. That's it, plain and simple, beds. But then it extended far greater from beds. It was a rush of chaos and before I knew it I was a HUGE blanket of sadness, confusion, and a ton of frustration with NO solutions. Or so I thought..... Silly me. The funny thing about prayer is that once you ask for a solution Heavenly Father delivers. Timing is always the unknown factor as to when your answer will come, but it always does. Some say be careful what you wish for. Well I wished for beds and it got me into a sink hole but then provided me with a latter allowing me to get out of that sink hole and climb even higher then I was in my life before the sink hole.


It was out of the blue. I am pregnant and started getting a bit more emotional, hormonal, and frankly more needy. At the current time Jason and I were sleeping on a hand me down futon cushion on our crap-tastic queen bed frame that we thought was great when we first bought it (used) nearly a year earlier. Turns out the sellers were amazing liars and we discovered a HUGE crack in the support of the bed making it impossible for our heavy mattress (that was crap-tastic as well) to stay afloat without sinking within the night. We were pretty mad since we spent some of our tax return on that bed thinking it would be a great way to get us off of sleeping on the floor, which was our sleeping circumstances for a few months after moving into our own apartment. Not the best for ones back let me assure you. Fast forward to our new decision to switch our heavy mattress with our boys futon cushion to avoid a sinking ship. Futon cushions are crap, just throwing it out there. But they are not heavy so we slept on that for a few months. We made due with what we had. By the time my pregnancy started becoming uncomfortable with sweet little kicks and very wide hips and constant growing pains, my thoughts started obsessing over a real bed for once in almost 2 years. I was at first sad that we again couldn't really look into getting a new bed, or used for that matter since Jason just started his career based job and most of the money coming in would go straight to bills that were on the waiting list to get paid until a well paying job came. Mostly regular everyday bills but the dreaded hospital bills of course were still there.... Who could ignore the last $15,000+ that needed attention? *Sigh*... I tried really hard to just roll with the punches again. I was glad to be here in Utah like the Lord had asked us to do. Just look at all the amazing blessings and miracles we have already received? Slowly my sadness for a simple thing like a bed started gaining momentum and quickly my sadness escalated to frustrations that we couldn't AT LEAST afford nice beds for us all to sleep on?? One for Jason and I and then finally providing the boys their own twin beds to sleep on and call their own!? Was that too much to ask for after doing all that we had done off of inspiration? I was drowning and it only started getting worse. It was mostly inner turmoil directed to the Lord but it started to be caught by Jason who I didn't want to show since I know it was not his fault. He was working SO hard to provide for us and to play catch up with all the piling up bills that he didn't need to assume my frustrations were aimed at him when they weren't. I kept telling myself that what we have not yet gained in income and everyday things, we gained 10 times over in the blessings we were given and cherish (explained in this post HERE). The last thing I wanted to do was to become ungrateful for all the amazing things we were given since we truly are blessed to have had all those amazing lessons provided us. I tried really hard to not let Satan in to stir up any more anger or doubt. As hard as I tried, Satan got into my brain and started twisting all my worries and needs into something much more evil and turning everything into an immediate need and how much I deserved it!

I was stuck in a downward spiral of anger for things we needed and couldn't afford. It started with the beds but then escalated to needing a house so we could finally NOT have to live for other people who live underneath us, constantly complaining that the boys are too loud and need to shut up. I needed my own space and the boys needed their own space to run and just do everyday boy things without getting micromanaged by their now overly stressed out mom, shaming them for walking to loud. Walking is a normal daily occurrence but I had to live for the downstairs neighbors because walking = woken up baby downstairs which then equals hell on earth for us. I was on pins and needles already as it was and it just exploded me. The boys were not aloud to laugh at a certain volume, walk with certain shoes on in the house, play with certain toys, pay with a ball etc.... Normal everyday activities became at the for front of my mind to shut down immediately. Can you image how stressful and emotionally taxing that would be? Especially with 2 young and naturally wild boys!? We had no life of our own. The boys were forced to sit down for hours watching shows which I never wanted much of in our house, mindless show watching I am strongly against for our family. We already made it nearly 5 years without a TV, but now the computer and YouTube were the only things saving us from a dreaded text from downstairs. I had to cave on my own rules and I hated it. The boys behaviors started degrading, demanding shows after I finally get sick of it all and turn them off. Almost like an addiction I was trying to avoid.

A house became another huge point of contention with me. The boys needed a house with space and maybe their own rooms to have something to call their own, I needed a house to call my own so I could let my unwanted micromanaging disappear since it would not be needed any longer since it would just be US to live for. An actual kitchen I can cook actual meals in since more then one person can fit in it, with actual counter space and a functional stove! Have a house that has a backyard so the boys can live outside and play on a swing set or trampoline instead of being cramped inside since it's too cold and too much work living on the 3rd floor to even consider outside. To have a house that we can paint and call our own without maintenance coming in and harpooning us for regular nics and dings or messed up carpet and attaching a huge bill to get it all repaired! The list goes on and on...  I was SO frustrated and everyday my frustrations would get hotter and hotter. 

The needs for a house then morphed into needing a second car. Jason was now working really early to extremely late and with only one car (that was surprise, surprise crap-tastic!! always having something breaking down on it and us pouring money into it (whole different level of frustrations)) left me home with 2 wild boys, no options to go anywhere or to do anything.... More and more anger piled on. I looked really hard into finding  solutions but would come up short every time, since it all just wasn't in the cards for us anytime soon. It was defeating. The straw that finally broke the camels back was when I went into register Christian for kindergarten at the elementary school in our neighborhood. I felt I could finally provide Christian something of his very own. I picked up the packet and talked to one of the available faculty members. I told her (almost jittery) this was my first time ever and was there anything I needed to keep in mind before I register him? She said one simple, harmless thing, but it broke me. She said "Just an FYI in order to enroll him at this school you will have to commit to 6 years at least." I asked what that meant and she responded "As in, if you plan on moving from this area in the next 6 years then I would strongly suggest not even bothering with the application process. Do you live in a house you plan on living in for the next 6 years or are you in a temporary home?" I know she didn't mean it degrading but it sure did come across that way. I tried to hold back the tears to my oncoming response I had for her. Another NEED for a house just smacked me in the face and I was done. I told her that we currently were living in the apartments down the street and she sighed a very nasty sigh and asked if I plan on living in them for 6 years? To which my response was a quick "NO!" She asked if I planned on moving into a house in this area? To which I was forced to respond with a "No" due to my research on trying to get us out of the tiny apartment. I may have added a pretty nasty, luckily unnoticed eye roll. She then told me that it would be in my best interested to not sign him up for kindergarten this round. Talk about being kicked while you're already down. I was just trying to make his life as normal as possible the only way I could at that time and that too was just snatched from under my feet. "Awesome" I thought and left.

I. Was. PISSED.

Heavenly Father was FOR SURE getting the coldest shoulder I had to offer him. It was either that or a whole string of swear words I had raging in my sou ready to fire at any given moment. I figured ignoring his existence was easier to apologize for later since I know I was in the wrong. It was his will in the end no mater what and I knew that but it only made me more angry. I needed immediate solutions, not a waiting game with so many unknown factors. 

I walked back home with 2 very sad boys who wanted to stay at the school. I told them we couldn't right now. Poor Christian has been wanting to go to school for such a long time and I already had to deny him pre-school due to our situation but now actual school!? It was too much to bare and I just sobbed. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could have committed to the 6 years but then be stuck in either this apartment or this neighborhood that I knew was not where we would permanently end up in, or not sign him up until we get to a stable place and hold him back in school for an unknown time. Either way there was no real answer as to what I should do. Even if I signed him up, committing to the 6 years, I had to register him before the start of the school year which was in August. Our lease isn't up until September and we wanted to get out of the apartments if possible by then but it would be undetermined on if, at that time, we could afford a house or had to get another apartment in a whole different area. Either way we wanted to get out of this area but would our commitment force us to stay? And since we can't afford a house right now would we be forced to stay in these bloody apartments!? The area I feel most drawn to is 40mins away from his school which would obviously kick him out of the school boundaries. What damage would that create for us!? I was SO lost and SO angry. This was just plain NOT FAIR!! To pore salt on the wound all my friends with kids around the same age all started talking about how excited they were that they just signed their kids up for kindergarten. I didn't hate them for being excited, who could? They didn't know my situation? But God did! and he could have at least made the conversations not feel like a kick in the gut as much as they did for me. I was a hot mess.... Oh and lets not forget that Satan was still up to his usual tactics with continuing to remind me of the person I use to be through old photos and memories making things all that much worse. Of course.

Luckily I got sick of feeling angry, defeated, and burdened with all of these pressuring needs and feeling myself turning from the Lord. I knew I had learned how to recognize Heavenly Father's way of helping us grow and receive amazing life altering blessings. I knew there was a pattern he provided me in all the trials and blessings before, that recognizing the pattern would give me some peace. "You must go through the bad to get to the good", (or amazing in all of our experiences). It took me a few days to cool off but I finally gave in and told the Lord that I realize that this was just another hard crappy trial I had to go through in order to learn something from. I told him I was still very angry because this all was just not fair right now but that I had the faith that in time he would make it right. I told him even through I was still feeling angry I didn't want to miss out on the potential blessings that are at hand and to please help me shed the anger and all the smoke and mirrors around all the new wants and needs that had quickly piled on. I felt proud that I was no longer demanding him to just provide me with the beds, or a house or immediate solutions but to honestly heal my mind to work towards his will no matter what it was or how long it took. *Pat on the back moment for me! I am actually learning something from all of this madness! Score!

With feeling Heavenly Fathers appreciation on my personal gain of humbling myself to his will and not my own immediate one, He let me know that because of my quick desire for humility that a new process (or different degree of bloom) was going to start much earlier. This meant a destination to peace much faster as a thank you from him. *Another pat on my back moment :)
I was then given the first task (Chapter 2 of the manual) he needed me to do in order to ease my mind. It was not what I expected but felt prompted to act on it and act I did.... 







Sunday, February 15, 2015

New Instruction Manual


You best believe it! Lately my past has been smashed into my face randomly, making me just cringe at the person I use to be. (Thank you satan for all the fantastic memories). All the people I offended being as hurt and broken as I was, in some ways taking it all out on them. I was so lost and looking back at old pictures just make me want to throw them all out (yes even wedding pictures) and pretend that was never me. I even spent time crying horribly while looking through old pictures. It literally pains me to look at them because I could see just how lost I was because of all the turmoil I had raging in my soul and how desperate my eyes looked for help.
We were asked to move here in order for me to bloom into the person I have always wanted to become. For that I will be forever grateful but with that came a lot of sacrifices, some huge and some small, some that are still not fully resolved yet, and many that people can't figure out why we had/have to still struggle through. However hard it is, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat for all the blessings I have already received in order to once again get away from the person I use to be mentally. All the sacrifices and trials have a significant place in this whole bloom process. I am such a better person already but I know I have one more huge obstacle to jump before my mind is fully healed from the trauma and PTSD I have developed and constantly am battling daily to overcome to at least attempt a normal life. Not strictly for my own, but for my little family who needs a healthy and capable mom. This hurdle is a new request from Heavenly Father to do in my full capacity of heart, mind and spirit. I'm excited and scared but ready to function properly once again with all the luggage being finally cut free. Having a free mind is something I have not had since 6 years old, the only memories I can actually look back on without cringing. The last week or so I was feeling pretty defeated with all the fresh memories coming to mind on a daily basis. I was on the fritz and on system overload but then I stumbled across this quote and instantly was uplifted. I read this quote and just laughed. For all the times satan smashed my old, shattered past in my face (something I know he gets great joy from) I just smirk and remind him of his future haha. I can do that because of the love and promise we have from Heavenly Father because we are his precious children. Today I am grateful for this amazing promise. I'm still in the middle of writing the blog post explaining more in detail of this new instruction manual I received from the Lord to better my life. It's a blog post I will continue to add too as more and more instruction come since we are only in the beginning stages of this new request, as well as discerning what I feel inspired in sharing and what is mine to keep ;) This new adventure is not going to be as quick as the instruction to move to Utah "as soon as you can". This one is going to be a slow, pristine process to ensure full cleansing and healing. Again I'm nervous that I won't do it right but that's more reason to put my faith in Heavenly Father to guide me through the process. I'm so excited for my future! Can't wait to share with you this new journey!! So far in the process I have already seen some pretty amazing stuff ;) 

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Tender moment

I love old men... They just rock. They are just so open to say what they are thinking and don't care if what they say is awkward or taken wrong. They don't care if anyone judges them for it. If they feel the need to say it, they do because they are way past the stupid age of "everything has to look and be just right so people will love me". Nah forget all that rubbish, be real and act how you are being prompted to act, forget your dumb "fake perfection" masks at home, better yet, in the garbage. I live by what I now call O.P.L "Old People Logic" they know what's up! Lol last night was another awesome example of their care free attitudes. I was wandering the isles at Walmart last night looking for chocolate oranges that I could literally taste since my craving was so bad!! I thought they would be an easy find considering they come around Christmas time. I was apparently wrong. They were nowhere in sight. I was already clocked out emotionally for the night since I had just experienced another "feel like the scum of the earth" situation and I just NEEDED the dang chocolate orange to make me feel somewhat better. But to no avail. I wanted to cry... But I had already done that before walking into the store so I held it in. I was purposely avoiding mirrors yesterday as to not get reminded what my PTSD did to my face. I looked like a cancer patient and only put a small uneven line of eyeliner on my eyes to somewhat fill in all that my trichotillomania had taken from me and to avoid scaring the life out of women and children who happened upon my naked face. I should be use to the stares and unaltered disgust reactions I get from people, but they still just kick you in the gut. Lets also not forget all of my fresh new Pregnant zits and freckles I was too lazy to cover up... I was making my way across the store to look in another Christmas candy isle I forgot about when an old man and his daughter started to cross infront of me. I started slowing down to allow them to pass. I must have looked realllllly miserable because the next thing I hear was "Hello beautiful!" The old man had stopped to let me pass instead and instead of letting me pass as horrible as I must have looked, he granted me a gift to pass with a fresh new smile on my face. I didn't realize he was talking to me at first, but naturally looked up to see where the voice was coming from. I thought he was talking to his teenage daughter, but once I looked at him I realized he was looking directly at me. I felt my spirit lift as I realized he was genuinely calling me beautiful and not in an old-creepy-man-pervert kind of way. I think he recognized that I was just not feeling so happy and he decided to say hello to me how I believe Heavenly Father would have if he had crossed my path that night. Seeing my true beauty and amplifying it, instead of reacting to what was being shown on the outside. As I smiled at him he asked me how I was doing. I wanted to just say "I'm great" but I knew that wasn't the truth. I settled on "I'm miserable..." I regretted saying it the moment it came out of my mouth since it was so heavy to plop on a complete stranger who had no time to talk it through with me like a friend would. But out it came. He stopped and said "I am so sorry to hear that honey, I hope you have a better night." And with one more bright smile he left. I continued my hunt but this time with a smile on my face and a small tear in my eye. That small encounter didn't fix anything but it sure did lift my spirits a bit more. I felt lifted a small bit from feeling like a bottom feeder in this world, something I was feeling particularly strongly last night. I was grateful to feel, that even though he can't be here physically, Heavenly Father uses others as instruments to help us feel his love. I just knew Heavenly Father knew what I was going through and how low I had just felt the store before Walmart. I was thankful for that sweet encounter.

And just for the record, smiths (az compare to Safeway) is the place to go for those dang chocolate oranges! Ran over there after Walmart and they had an entire isle stocked with them! They made my night even better!