Chaos is a very good title name for this chapter of my "New Instruction Manuel" that is being written specifically for me by my loving Heavenly Father to help me get to my full capacity bloom the he promised me when I was seeking an answer as to why we needed to move to Utah besides saving me from depression. It is a much greater bloom then I could have ever expected. I thought I had already bloomed, but Heavenly Father had a huge surprise for me in store. Something I didn't think was ever in reach. Impossible is how I would have explained it before some amazing events started taking place in my life just in the last few months.
Chaos is exactly how I would explain my life just a few months ago.... It also helps me try and explain how my mind has been trying as hard as I could to put down in writing to explain my amazing experiences in the last few months to combat that previously mentioned chaos. But the right words and in the right way just would not come. Just plain chaos all around! Finally an idea on how to put it all down in words came to my mind. A new instruction manual is exactly the right way to explain everything in an organized and inspirational way for those who are interested in reading since I feel inspired to write it all down to refer back to but to also share. (Previous post found HERE). Heavenly Father gets the credit for the manual idea since I was getting nowhere fast. There were many steps I had to take and some are hard to explain fully and some that I can see coming once other steps are completed first and I need to find a way to explain them... Confused yet? No worries so was I but for the next few weeks I will be writing out my own instruction manual on a new life changing adventure I am specifically on for a far greater personal bloom then ever imagined. Writing out in a manual with chapters will make ALOT more sense for not only me, but for you all as well since it has so many degrees to it that demand to be put into categories. I love organization. So here we go!
It all started with beds. That's it, plain and simple, beds. But then it extended far greater from beds. It was a rush of chaos and before I knew it I was a HUGE blanket of sadness, confusion, and a ton of frustration with NO solutions. Or so I thought..... Silly me. The funny thing about prayer is that once you ask for a solution Heavenly Father delivers. Timing is always the unknown factor as to when your answer will come, but it always does. Some say be careful what you wish for. Well I wished for beds and it got me into a sink hole but then provided me with a latter allowing me to get out of that sink hole and climb even higher then I was in my life before the sink hole.
It was out of the blue. I am pregnant and started getting a bit more emotional, hormonal, and frankly more needy. At the current time Jason and I were sleeping on a hand me down futon cushion on our crap-tastic queen bed frame that we thought was great when we first bought it (used) nearly a year earlier. Turns out the sellers were amazing liars and we discovered a HUGE crack in the support of the bed making it impossible for our heavy mattress (that was crap-tastic as well) to stay afloat without sinking within the night. We were pretty mad since we spent some of our tax return on that bed thinking it would be a great way to get us off of sleeping on the floor, which was our sleeping circumstances for a few months after moving into our own apartment. Not the best for ones back let me assure you. Fast forward to our new decision to switch our heavy mattress with our boys futon cushion to avoid a sinking ship. Futon cushions are crap, just throwing it out there. But they are not heavy so we slept on that for a few months. We made due with what we had. By the time my pregnancy started becoming uncomfortable with sweet little kicks and very wide hips and constant growing pains, my thoughts started obsessing over a real bed for once in almost 2 years. I was at first sad that we again couldn't really look into getting a new bed, or used for that matter since Jason just started his career based job and most of the money coming in would go straight to bills that were on the waiting list to get paid until a well paying job came. Mostly regular everyday bills but the dreaded hospital bills of course were still there.... Who could ignore the last $15,000+ that needed attention? *Sigh*... I tried really hard to just roll with the punches again. I was glad to be here in Utah like the Lord had asked us to do. Just look at all the amazing blessings and miracles we have already received? Slowly my sadness for a simple thing like a bed started gaining momentum and quickly my sadness escalated to frustrations that we couldn't AT LEAST afford nice beds for us all to sleep on?? One for Jason and I and then finally providing the boys their own twin beds to sleep on and call their own!? Was that too much to ask for after doing all that we had done off of inspiration? I was drowning and it only started getting worse. It was mostly inner turmoil directed to the Lord but it started to be caught by Jason who I didn't want to show since I know it was not his fault. He was working SO hard to provide for us and to play catch up with all the piling up bills that he didn't need to assume my frustrations were aimed at him when they weren't. I kept telling myself that what we have not yet gained in income and everyday things, we gained 10 times over in the blessings we were given and cherish (explained in this post HERE). The last thing I wanted to do was to become ungrateful for all the amazing things we were given since we truly are blessed to have had all those amazing lessons provided us. I tried really hard to not let Satan in to stir up any more anger or doubt. As hard as I tried, Satan got into my brain and started twisting all my worries and needs into something much more evil and turning everything into an immediate need and how much I deserved it!
I was stuck in a downward spiral of anger for things we needed and couldn't afford. It started with the beds but then escalated to needing a house so we could finally NOT have to live for other people who live underneath us, constantly complaining that the boys are too loud and need to shut up. I needed my own space and the boys needed their own space to run and just do everyday boy things without getting micromanaged by their now overly stressed out mom, shaming them for walking to loud. Walking is a normal daily occurrence but I had to live for the downstairs neighbors because walking = woken up baby downstairs which then equals hell on earth for us. I was on pins and needles already as it was and it just exploded me. The boys were not aloud to laugh at a certain volume, walk with certain shoes on in the house, play with certain toys, pay with a ball etc.... Normal everyday activities became at the for front of my mind to shut down immediately. Can you image how stressful and emotionally taxing that would be? Especially with 2 young and naturally wild boys!? We had no life of our own. The boys were forced to sit down for hours watching shows which I never wanted much of in our house, mindless show watching I am strongly against for our family. We already made it nearly 5 years without a TV, but now the computer and YouTube were the only things saving us from a dreaded text from downstairs. I had to cave on my own rules and I hated it. The boys behaviors started degrading, demanding shows after I finally get sick of it all and turn them off. Almost like an addiction I was trying to avoid.
A house became another huge point of contention with me. The boys needed a house with space and maybe their own rooms to have something to call their own, I needed a house to call my own so I could let my unwanted micromanaging disappear since it would not be needed any longer since it would just be US to live for. An actual kitchen I can cook actual meals in since more then one person can fit in it, with actual counter space and a functional stove! Have a house that has a backyard so the boys can live outside and play on a swing set or trampoline instead of being cramped inside since it's too cold and too much work living on the 3rd floor to even consider outside. To have a house that we can paint and call our own without maintenance coming in and harpooning us for regular nics and dings or messed up carpet and attaching a huge bill to get it all repaired! The list goes on and on... I was SO frustrated and everyday my frustrations would get hotter and hotter.
The needs for a house then morphed into needing a second car. Jason was now working really early to extremely late and with only one car (that was surprise, surprise crap-tastic!! always having something breaking down on it and us pouring money into it (whole different level of frustrations)) left me home with 2 wild boys, no options to go anywhere or to do anything.... More and more anger piled on. I looked really hard into finding solutions but would come up short every time, since it all just wasn't in the cards for us anytime soon. It was defeating. The straw that finally broke the camels back was when I went into register Christian for kindergarten at the elementary school in our neighborhood. I felt I could finally provide Christian something of his very own. I picked up the packet and talked to one of the available faculty members. I told her (almost jittery) this was my first time ever and was there anything I needed to keep in mind before I register him? She said one simple, harmless thing, but it broke me. She said "Just an FYI in order to enroll him at this school you will have to commit to 6 years at least." I asked what that meant and she responded "As in, if you plan on moving from this area in the next 6 years then I would strongly suggest not even bothering with the application process. Do you live in a house you plan on living in for the next 6 years or are you in a temporary home?" I know she didn't mean it degrading but it sure did come across that way. I tried to hold back the tears to my oncoming response I had for her. Another NEED for a house just smacked me in the face and I was done. I told her that we currently were living in the apartments down the street and she sighed a very nasty sigh and asked if I plan on living in them for 6 years? To which my response was a quick "NO!" She asked if I planned on moving into a house in this area? To which I was forced to respond with a "No" due to my research on trying to get us out of the tiny apartment. I may have added a pretty nasty, luckily unnoticed eye roll. She then told me that it would be in my best interested to not sign him up for kindergarten this round. Talk about being kicked while you're already down. I was just trying to make his life as normal as possible the only way I could at that time and that too was just snatched from under my feet. "Awesome" I thought and left.
I. Was. PISSED.
Heavenly Father was FOR SURE getting the coldest shoulder I had to offer him. It was either that or a whole string of swear words I had raging in my sou ready to fire at any given moment. I figured ignoring his existence was easier to apologize for later since I know I was in the wrong. It was his will in the end no mater what and I knew that but it only made me more angry. I needed immediate solutions, not a waiting game with so many unknown factors.
I walked back home with 2 very sad boys who wanted to stay at the school. I told them we couldn't right now. Poor Christian has been wanting to go to school for such a long time and I already had to deny him pre-school due to our situation but now actual school!? It was too much to bare and I just sobbed. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could have committed to the 6 years but then be stuck in either this apartment or this neighborhood that I knew was not where we would permanently end up in, or not sign him up until we get to a stable place and hold him back in school for an unknown time. Either way there was no real answer as to what I should do. Even if I signed him up, committing to the 6 years, I had to register him before the start of the school year which was in August. Our lease isn't up until September and we wanted to get out of the apartments if possible by then but it would be undetermined on if, at that time, we could afford a house or had to get another apartment in a whole different area. Either way we wanted to get out of this area but would our commitment force us to stay? And since we can't afford a house right now would we be forced to stay in these bloody apartments!? The area I feel most drawn to is 40mins away from his school which would obviously kick him out of the school boundaries. What damage would that create for us!? I was SO lost and SO angry. This was just plain NOT FAIR!! To pore salt on the wound all my friends with kids around the same age all started talking about how excited they were that they just signed their kids up for kindergarten. I didn't hate them for being excited, who could? They didn't know my situation? But God did! and he could have at least made the conversations not feel like a kick in the gut as much as they did for me. I was a hot mess.... Oh and lets not forget that Satan was still up to his usual tactics with continuing to remind me of the person I use to be through old photos and memories making things all that much worse. Of course.
Luckily I got sick of feeling angry, defeated, and burdened with all of these pressuring needs and feeling myself turning from the Lord. I knew I had learned how to recognize Heavenly Father's way of helping us grow and receive amazing life altering blessings. I knew there was a pattern he provided me in all the trials and blessings before, that recognizing the pattern would give me some peace. "You must go through the bad to get to the good", (or amazing in all of our experiences). It took me a few days to cool off but I finally gave in and told the Lord that I realize that this was just another hard crappy trial I had to go through in order to learn something from. I told him I was still very angry because this all was just not fair right now but that I had the faith that in time he would make it right. I told him even through I was still feeling angry I didn't want to miss out on the potential blessings that are at hand and to please help me shed the anger and all the smoke and mirrors around all the new wants and needs that had quickly piled on. I felt proud that I was no longer demanding him to just provide me with the beds, or a house or immediate solutions but to honestly heal my mind to work towards his will no matter what it was or how long it took. *Pat on the back moment for me! I am actually learning something from all of this madness! Score!
With feeling Heavenly Fathers appreciation on my personal gain of humbling myself to his will and not my own immediate one, He let me know that because of my quick desire for humility that a new process (or different degree of bloom) was going to start much earlier. This meant a destination to peace much faster as a thank you from him. *Another pat on my back moment :)
I was then given the first task (Chapter 2 of the manual) he needed me to do in order to ease my mind. It was not what I expected but felt prompted to act on it and act I did....